A Fire Upon the Deep

.Delete this paragraph to shift page flush

!V I think I have done a little to answer this:
!jdv Make it more clear how this has helped Ravna
!jdv The fact that we don't know why the battle was a success is
!jdv discouraging
!jdv And then you might play it more up at the end that the right
!jdv ships were destroyed
!jdv Make it clearer that the SjK ships will find a place to stop
!jdv They do have some ramscoops

-=*=-

PART III
CHAPTER 37 !Climax City!
!ID Consider continuing to go with 3 parts to the novel:
! I through Fall of Relay
! II through preceding Chapter
! III Climax City (all on Tines World)

!02Jul90 call to MG:
! Thinks I'm eliding too much
! Doesn't like Navnløs, or Nameless either
!I ended up changing the world's name uniformly to "Tines' World"
! QU what does everybody else think of the name "Navnløs" [Nameless]?
! TITLE The Testament at Navnløs
!The situation after the Final Surge with respect to operating the OOB
! might be like flying an A320 manually
!jrf ||||?
!
!PRB to bring reader up to speed factually and emotionally about what
! happened on the ground after the unmasking of Vendacious. QU Do I
! succeed in this?
!Must have the conflict/suspicion between Pham and Blueshell clearly
! drawn.
!Faster and faster changes of PoV:
! OOB Woodcarver Army Flenser Forces Amdijefri
!Powerful scene should be the one where the kids begin to figure out that
! they've been had.
!V as per jrf, consider having Jefri be in the lead on this, even though
!V in a sense he is an outsider
!Suspense about how Tyrathect turns out?
!
! Maybe one more scene where she's fighting herself, and the rest external
! to Tyrathect as we watch her work with the children (suspense as to
! which side she's on)
!V: No, instead do it with confrontation between Tyra and Flenser
!
!Probably should make it clear that Greenstalk is not on the command deck,
! that her voice is being piped in.

"Tines' world. I can see it, Pham!"
The main window showed a true view upon the system: a sun less than two hundred million kilometers off, daylight across the command deck. The positions of identified planets were marked with blinking red arrows. But one of those -- just twenty million kilometers off -- was labeled "terrestrial". Coming off an interstellar jump, you couldn't get positioning much better than that.
Pham didn't reply, just glared out the window as if there were something wrong with what they were seeing. Something had broken in him after the battle with the Blight. He'd been so sure of his godshatter -- and so bewildered by the consequences. Afterwards he had retreated more than ever. Now he seemed to think that if they moved fast enough, the surviving enemy could do them no harm. More than ever he was suspicious of Blueshell and Greenstalk, as if somehow they were greater threats than the ships that still pursued.
"Damn," Pham said finally. "Look at the relative velocity." Seventy kilometers per second.
Position matching was no problem, but "Matching velocities will cost us time, Sir Pham."
Pham's stare turned on Blueshell. "We talked this out with the locals three weeks ago, remember? You managed the burn."
"And you checked my work, Sir Pham. This must be another nav system bug ... though I didn't expect anything was wrong in simple ballistics." A sign inverted, seventy klicks per second closing velocity instead of zero. Blueshell drifted toward the secondary console.
"Maybe," said Pham. "Just now, I want you off the deck, Blueshell."
"But I can help! We should be contacting Jefri, and rematching velocities, and --"
"Get off the deck, Blueshell. I don't have time to watch you anymore," Pham dived across the intervening space and was met by Ravna, just short of the Rider.
She floated between the two, talking fast, hoping whatever she said would both make sense and make peace. "It's okay, Pham. He'll go." She brushed her hand across one of Blueshell's wildly vibrating fronds. After a second, Blueshell wilted. "I'll go. I'll go." She kept an encouraging touch on him -- and kept herself between him and Pham, as the Skroderider made a dejected exit. ^ FRAG:
^ The Riders could
^ follow all the action from below, but -- if Pham's overrides were
^ effective -- they could change nothing.

When the Rider was gone, she turned to Pham. "Couldn't it have been a nav bug, Pham?" ^ V July 20, 1991 CHK CHRON 53h is at the low end of what was
^ V implied in c36 (&^ 58h, "fifty-five hours", just over two days)
^ V July 20, 1991 SEQ story incident: Playful Tines mimicking work
^ V sounds (to fool human supervisor) while they loll about

The other didn't seem to hear the question. The instant the hatch had closed, he had returned to the command console. OOB's latest estimate put the Blight's arrival less than fifty-three hours away. And now they must waste time redoing a velocity match supposedly accomplished three weeks earlier. "Somebody, something, screwed us over ..." Pham was muttering, even as he finished with the control sequence, "Maybe it was a bug. This next damn burn is going to be as manual as it can be." Acceleration alarms echoed down the core of the OOB. Pham flipped through monitor windows, searching for loose items that might be big enough to be dangerous. "You tie down, too." He reached out to override the five minute timer.
Ravna dived back across the deck, unfolding the free-fall saddle into a seat and strapping in. She heard Pham speaking on the general announce channel, warning of the timer override. Then the impulse drive cut in, a lazy pressure back into the webbing. Four tenths of a gee -- all the poor OOB could still manage.

!PRB to make it plausible that OOB degrades so ungracefully at the
! Bottom and in the Slowness (especially since the craft was advertized
! as being a Bottom lugger). Looks like you need some RETROwriting back
! at Relay about this.

When Pham said manual, he meant it. The main window appeared to be bore-centered now. The view didn't drift at the whim of the pilot, and there were no helpful legends and schematics. As much as possible, the were seeing true view along OOB's main axis. Peripheral windows were held in fixed geometry with main. Pham's eyes flickered from one to another, as his hands played over the command board. As near as could be, he was flying by his own senses, and trusting no one else. !jrf2 What does Ravna know about this stuff??!

But Pham still had use for the ultradrive. They were twenty million klicks off target, a submicroscopic jump. Pham Nuwen fiddled with the drive parameters, trying to make an accurate jump smaller than the standard interval. Every few seconds the sunlight would shift a fraction, coming first over Ravna's left shoulder and then her right. It made reestablishing comm with Jefri nearly impossible.
Suddenly the window below their feet was filled by a world, huge and gibbous, blue and swirling white. The Tines' world was as Jefri Olsndot advertised, a normal terrestrial planet. After the months aspace and the loss of Sjandra Kei, the sight caught Ravna short. Ocean, the world was mostly ocean, but near the terminator there were the darker shades of land. A single tiny moon was visible beyond the limb. !?V CHK these numbers, also the reference at the beginning of the next
!V Ravna scene.
!V June 17, 1991 Seems like consistency problems if you allow even
!V moderately high accelerations.
!V I think these implausibilities would be ameliorated by
!V changing the acceleration max to 2g
!V June 18, 1991 So now I've changed the max acc to 0.4g which should
!V take about 5h to reduce to match speeds. (Then I'll hop back),
^ V dangerous though that admittedly is.
!V 70km/s would be about 30min at 4g and you'd cover about 61000km
!V so if they were real close to begin with, that would be 60000km to
!V get back say, and at 4g that would take
!V 2*sqrt(60000e3/40) = 41min (assuming we want to arrive with about
!V 0 relative velocity)

Pham sucked in his breath. "It's about ten thousand kilometers off. Perfect. Except we're closing at seventy klicks per second." Even as she watched, the world seemed to grow, falling toward them. Pham watched it for few seconds more. "Don't worry, we're going to miss, fly right past the, um, north limb." !V June 17, 1991 FRAG
! Hopping around on ultradrive in near planetary space was
! deadly illegal in civilization -- and deadly stupid in any case.
!PRB INCON how about comparison with Relay? Isn't it true that many
! advanced
! world would look this untouched? QU Should I just take this description
! out?
!V June 17, 1991 I don't think they have been out of contact:
!PRB Gotta justify being out of contact with Jefri since the beginning of
! the surge. It would make sense to have contacted him during the Blight
! battle with Commercial Security. In any case, make the timing
! consistent.
!
!jrf2 "Dirokime accidents": What's this all about? What kind of
!jrf2 accidents?
!V An ancient civilization would have had all sorts of opportunities
!V to mess up.
^ V June 17, 1991 AWK

The globe swelled below them, eclipsing the moon. She had always loved the appearance of Herte at Sjandra Kei. But that world had smaller oceans, and was criss-crossed with Dirokime accidents. This place was as beautiful as Relay, and seemed truly untouched. The small polar cap was in sunlight, and she could follow the coastline that came south from it toward the terminator. I'm seeing the northwest coast. Jefri's right down there! Ravna reached for her keyboard, asked the ship to attempt both ultrawave comm and a radio link.
"Ultrawave contact," she said after a second.
"What does it say?" !V QU Does the end of this paragraph seem off-pace?

"It's garbled. Probably just a ping response," acknowledgment to OOB's signal. Jefri was housed very near the ship these days; sometimes she had gotten responses almost immediately, even during his night time. It would be good to talk to him again, even if ... !V June 17, 1991 FRAG
! ... Jefri again. They'd had only one back and forth since
! coming out of the Surge. Get it together, Rav. We have fifty hours.
! What do we tell Jefri and Steel?

Tines' world filled the entire aft and side windows now, its limb a barely curving horizon. Sky colors stood before them, fading to the black of space. Icecap and icebergs showed detail within detail against the sea. She could see cloud shadows. She followed the coast southwards, islands and peninsulas so closely fit that she could not be sure of one from the other. Blackish mountains and black-striped glaciers. Green and brown valleys. She tried to remember the geography they had learned from Jefri. Hidden Island? But there were so many islands.
"I have radio contact from planet's surface," came the ship's voice. Simultaneously a blinking arrow pointed at a spot just in from the coast. "Do you want the audio in real time?"
"Yes. Yes!" said Ravna, then punched at her keyboard when the ship did not respond immediately. !V from: tag

"Hei, Ravna. Oh, Ravna!" The little boy's voice bounced excitement around the deck. He sounded just as she had imagined. !V June 10, 1991 AWK: "simple conversation at light speed."

Ravna keyed in a request for two-way. They were less than five thousand klicks from Jefri now, even if they were sweeping by at seventy kilometers per second. Plenty close enough for a radio conversation. "Hei, Jefri!" she said. "We're here at last, but we need --" we need all the cooperation your four-legged friends can give us. How to say that quickly and effectively?
But the boy on the ground already had an agenda: "-- need help now, Ravna! The Woodcarvers are attacking now."
There was a thumping, as if the transmitter was bouncing around. Another voice spoke, high-pitched and weirdly inarticulate. "This Steel, Ravna. Jefri right. Woodcarver --" the almost human voice dissolved into a hissing gobble. After a moment she heard Jefri's voice: "'Ambush', the word is 'ambush'."
"Yes ... Woodcarver has done big, big ambush. They all around now. We die in hours if you not help."

Woodcarver had never wanted to be a warrior. But ruling for half a thousand years requires a range of skills, and she had learned about making war. Some of that -- such as trusting to staff -- she had temporarily unlearned these last few days. There had indeed been an ambush on Margrum Climb, but not the one that Lord Steel had planned. !V QU it would be nice to have some neat thing that satisfyingly puts
!V an end to the Vendacious thread of the story. Criteria:
!V Must fit with the rest of events (at least not get in the way)
!V Must not echo the fates of the various other characters
!V SOLN, actually, I have an acceptable (marginal) solution in
!V the epilogs.
!V Also, you've sharpened the following paragraph a little.

She looked across the tented field at Vendacious. That pack was half-hidden by noise baffles, but she could see he wasn't so jaunty as before. Being put to the question will loosen anyone's control. Vendacious knew his survival now depended on her keeping a promise. Yet ... it was awful to think that Vendacious would live after he had killed and betrayed so many. She realized that two of herself were keening rage, lips curled back from clenched teeth. Her puppies huddled back from threats unseen. The tented area stank of sweat and the mindnoise of too many people in too small a space. It took a real effort of will to calm herself. She licked the puppies, and daydreamed peaceful thoughts for a moment. !V June 2, 1991 But when exactly did she make those promises?
!V After Vendacious turned himself in, in return for his information
!V about the nature of the ambush June 17, 1991
^ Page 649, INSERT H:

Yes, she would keep her promises to Vendacious. And maybe it would be worth the price. Vendacious had only speculations about Steel's inner secrets, but he had learned far more about Steel's tactical situation than the other side could have guessed. Vendacious had known just where the Flenserists were hiding and in what numbers. Steel's folk had been overconfident about their super guns and their secret traitor. When Woodcarver's troops surprised them, victory had been easy -- and now the Queen had some of these marvelous guns. ^ V June 17, 1991 last sentence in paragraph is AWK

From behind the hills, those cannons were still pounding away, eating through the stocks of ammunition the captured gunners had revealed. Vendacious the traitor had cost her much, but Vendacious the prisoner might yet bring her victory.
"Woodcarver?" It was Scrupilo. She waved him closer. Her chief gunner edged out of the sun, sat down an intimate twenty-five feet away. Battle conditions had blown away all notions of decorum.
Scrupilo's mind noise was an anxious jumble. He looked by parts exhausted and exhilarated and discouraged. "It's safe to advance up the castle hill, Your Majesty," he said. "Answering fire is almost extinguished. Parts of the castle walls have been breached. There is an end to castles here, My Queen. Even our own poor cannons would make it so."
She bobbed agreement. Scrupilo spent most of his time with Dataset in learning to make -- cannons in particular. Woodcarver spent her time learning what those inventions ultimately created. By now she knew far more than even Johanna about the social effects of weapons, from the most primitive to ones so strange that they seemed not weapons at all. A thousand million times, castle technologies had fallen to things like cannon; why should her world be different?
"We'll move up then --"
From beyond the shade of the tent there was a faint whistle, a rare, incoming round. She folded the puppies within herself, and paused a moment. Twenty yards away, Vendacious shrank down in a great cower. But when it came, the explosion was a muffled thump above them on the hill. It might even have been one of our own. "Now our troops must take advantage of the destruction. I want Steel to know that the old games of ransom and torture will only win him worse." We'll most likely win the starship and the child. The question was, would either be alive when they got them? She hoped Johanna would never know the threats and the risks she planned for the next few hours.
"Yes, Majesty." But Scrupilo made no move to depart, and suddenly seemed more bedraggled and worried than ever. "Woodcarver, I fear ..."
"What? We have the tide. We must rush to sail on it." !QU Is "sapper" the right word? Is there a better one? Changed
!PRB INCON make it consistent whether/when/what Woodcarver knows about
! the absence/death of Flenser -- she should have known of that right
! from
!V the beginning of the story, though as they get POWs now she may
!V suspect that there is something of Flenser left.
!V You do that in the next paragraph or two

"Yes, Majesty.... But while we move forward, there are serious dangers coming up on our flanks and rear. The enemy's far scouts and the fires." ^ FRAG
^ The Northwest was dry this century,
^ and fires were always a problem in high summer. The gunpowder weapons
^ had set brush fires all along the slopes of Margrum Climb, fast-
^ moving furnaces on the steep hills. They had lost almost twenty packs
^ to the fire. But

Scrupilo was right. The Flenserists who operated behind her lines were deadly. There weren't many of them; the enemy troops at Margrum Climb had been mostly killed or dispersed. The few that ate at Woodcarver's flanks were equipped with ordinary crossbows and axes ... but they were extraordinarily well-coordinated. And their tactics were brilliant; she saw the snouts and tines of Flenser himself in that brilliance. Somehow her evil child lived. Like a plague of years past, he was slipping back upon the world. Given time, those guerrilla packs would seriously hurt Woodcarver's ability to supply her forces. Given time. Two of her stood and looked Scrupilo in the eyes, emphasizing the point: "All the more reason to move now, my friend. We are the ones far from home. We are the ones with limited numbers and food. If we don't win soon, then we will be cut up a bit at a time." Flensed. !PRB INCON actually, this suspicion that there is unseen help is also
! (quite rightly) held by Johanna (in her talk with Vendacious in the
! cotter's hut)
!V June 17, 1991 CHKd CHRON 10 of tendays
^ V June 17, 1991 Perhaps should have Johanna speculate that there
^ V may be the equivalent of a dataset at Steel
^ V If you make this change, must check novel carefully

Scrupilo stood up, nodding submission. "That's what Peregrine says, too. And Johanna wants to chase right through the castle walls.... But there's something else, Your Majesty. Even if we must lunge all forward: I worked for a ten of tendays, using every clue I could understand from Dataset, to make our cannon. Majesty, I know how hard it is to do such. Yet the guns we captured on Margrum have three times the range and one quarter the weight. How could they do it?" There were chords of anger and humiliation in his voice. "The traitor," Scrupilo jerked a snout in the direction of Vendacious, "thinks they may have Johanna's brother, but Johanna says they have nothing like Dataset. Majesty, Steel has some advantage we don't yet know."

^ V PRB QU repetitive scene?
!V 02Jun91 mARK

Even the executions were not helping. Day by day, Steel felt his rage growing. Alone on the parapet, he whipped back and forth upon himself, barely conscious of anything but his anger. Not since he had been under Flenser's knife had the anger been such a radiant thing. Get back control, before he cuts you more, the voice of some early Steel seemed to say.
He hung on the thought, pulled himself together. He stared down at bloody drool and tasted ashes. Three of his shoulders were streaked with tooth cuts -- he'd been hurting himself, another habit Flenser had cured him of long ago. Hurt outwards, never toward yourself. Steel licked mechanically at the gashes and walked closer to the parapet's edge: !V FRAG June 17, 1991
! But in this case, he really was the pack that had screwed
! up. He could blame others, and kill others, but the truth was not
! changed.
!V TUF Is this paragraph repetitive to that near the beginning of c34
!V INCON but flamethrowers would have caused lots of fires anyway

At the horizon, gray-black haze obscured the sea and the islands. The last few days, the summer winds coming off the inland had been a hot breath, tasting of smoke. Now the winds were like fire themselves, whipping past the castle, carrying ash and smoke. All last dayaround the far side of Bitter Gorge had been a haze of fire. Today he could see the hillsides: they were black and brown, crowned with smoke that swept toward the sea's horizon. There were often brush and forest fires in the High Summer. But this year, as if nature was a godly pack of war, the fires had been everywhere. The wretched guns had done it. And this year, he couldn't retreat to the cool of Hidden Island and let the coastlings suffer.
Steel ignored his smarting shoulders and paced the stones more thoughtfully, almost analytical for a change. The creature Vendacious had not stayed bought; he had turned traitor to his treason. Steel had anticipated that Vendacious might be discovered; he had other spies who should have reported such a thing. But there had been no sign ... until the disaster at Margrum Climb. Now the twist of Vendacious's knife had turned all his plans on their heads. Woodcarver would be here very soon, and not as a victim. !V June 5, 1991 cf "hours" in preceding sentence with "quarter day"
!V elsewhere (that sounded too short)
!RETROwrite something about a starscape fraud
! to delay OOB's final approach. NO June 17, 1991
!V PRB this is telegraphing Flenser's analysis a few paragraphs down
!V -- how?
!V also looks like you have to have comm with Steel to tell him of
!V this arrival delay (if he is to know of it here)
!V -- note this refers to the voice contact as the ship passed by
!V <rendezvous>
!V June 17, 1991 seems like it has to be more than 3h in order to
!V allow Steel to do the things he does in this scene. But if it were
!V indefinite hours, then it would be hard to justify the kids'
!V exploration.
!V Also, this scene has to be after the close approach/conversation
!V So I say > 5h here (actually 15:00 25Jun15989) is when they are to
!V arrive.

Who would have guessed that he would really need the Spacers to rescue him from Woodcarver? He had worked so hard to confront the Southerners before Ravna arrived. But now he did need that help from the sky -- and it was more than five hours away. Steel almost slipped back into rage state at the thought. In the end, would all the cozening of Amdijefri be for nothing? Oh, when this is over, how much will I enjoy killing those two. More than any of the others, they deserved death. They had caused so much inconvenience. They had consistently required his kindliest behavior, as though they ruled him. They had showered him with more insolence than ten thousand normal subjects. ![10Jul90 type break]
!NÆH: QU I wonder whether someplace there should be explicit discussion of
! why
! Steel didn't opt for voice band radio instead of the radio cloaks?
!QU YES Is it sufficiently clear in this paragraph what the "grand scheme"
! is?

From the castle yard there was the sound of laboring packs, straining winches, the screech and groan of rock being moved about. The professional core of Flenser's Empire survived. Given a few more hours, the breaches in the walls would be repaired and new guns would be brought in from the north. And the grand scheme can still succeed. As long as I am together, no matter what else is lost, it can succeed.
Almost lost in the racket, he heard the click of claws on the inward steps. Steel drew back, turned all heads toward the sound. Shreck? But Shreck would have announced himself first. Then he relaxed; there was only one set of claw sounds. It was a singleton coming up the stairs.
Flenser's member cleared the steps, and bowed to Steel, an incomplete gesture without other members to mirror it. The member's radio cloak shone clean and dark. The army was in awe of those cloaks, and of the singletons and duos who seemed smarter than the brightest pack. Even Steel's lieutenants who understood what the cloaks really were -- even Shreck -- were cautious and tentative around them. And now Steel needed the Flenser Fragment more than anyone, more than anything except Starfolk gullibility. "What news?"
"Leave to sit?" Was the sardonic Flenser smile behind that request?
"Granted," snapped Steel. !INCON CHK terminology: Realm? changed to Domain
!NÆH: PRB INCON QU should I make singleton interrogation more of the
! story?
! Seems like I'd lose a lot of plot credibility if so, because very
! few secrets could be held
!QU RETROwrite Flenser as the Teacher with a Knife? DONE c24
!V CHKd 20d is about right (at least consistent with c34)

The singleton eased itself onto the stones, a parody of an insolent pack. But Steel saw when the other winced; the Fragment had been dispersed across the Domain for almost twenty days now. Except for brief periods, he had been wrapped in the radio cloaks that whole time. Dark and golden torture. Steel had seen this member without its cloak, when it was bathed. Its pelt was rubbed raw at shoulder and haunch, where the weight of the radio was greatest. Bleeding sores had opened at the center of the bald spots. Alone without its cloak, the mindless singleton had blabbered its pain. Steel enjoyed those sessions, even if this one was not especially verbal. It was almost as if he, Steel, were now the One who Teaches with a Knife, and Flenser were his pupil.
The singleton was silent for a moment. Steel could hear its ill-concealed panting. "The last dayaround has gone well, My Lord." !V possible INCON in motive/reasoning CHK
!V June 2, 1991 How did they lose them? cannon fire from
!V cannon that had formerly been Steel's June 17, 1991

"Not here! We've lost almost all our cannon. We're trapped inside these walls." And the starfolk may arrive too late. !PRB the rape comment in the next paragraph is out of character: not
! like Tyrathect, not like Flenser.
! It is powerful/vicious, but too much like Steel.
! QU drop it? YES
!CHK name: Rangers. Also CHK name of the scout mentioned earlier
!QU Should there be more chatting about the reversed ambush at Margrum
! Climb?
!CHK how Flenser/Tyrathect addresses Steel earlier. I would think he would
! avoid My Lord?
!V PRB Collision between Flenser Realm and Straumli Realm? QU
!V Changed to "Flenser Realm" to "Flenser Domain".

"I mean out there." The singleton poked its nose toward the open spaces beyond the parapet. "Your scouts are well-trained, My Lord, and have some bright commanders. Right now, I am spread round Woodcarvers rear and flanks." The singleton made its part of a laughing gesture. "'Rear and flanks'. Funny. To me Woodcarver's entire army is like a single enemy pack. Our Attack Infantries are like tines on my own paws. We are cutting the Queen deep, My Lord. I set the fire in Bitter Gorge. Only I could see exactly where it was spreading, exactly how to kill with it. In another four dayarounds there will be nothing left of the Queen's supplies. She will be ours."
"Too long, if we're dead this afternoon." !V I think this is okay now:
!QU should I make it so Steel knows that OOB is being chased? In terms
! of plot elegance, I don't want to.
!
!PRB Must work out a consistent strategy for what Steel had in mind to
! capture a working starship.
!V June 5, 1991 There is mention of the navigational fraud (the
! starscape fraud to add a couple of hours to OOB's in-system
! approach to Tines' World) in this paragraph June 17, 1991 NO MORE

"Yes." The singleton cocked its head at Steel. He's laughing at me. Just like all those times under Flenser's knife when a problem would be posed and death was the penalty for failure. "But Ravna and company should be back here in five hours, no?" Steel nodded. "Well, I guarantee you that will be hours ahead of Woodcarver's main assault. You have Amdijefri's confidence. It seems you need only advance and compress your previous schedule. If Ravna is sufficiently desperate --" ^ V "to feign" sentence is awkward

"The starfolk are desperate. I know that." Ravna might mask her precise motives, but her desperation was clear. "And if you can slow Woodcarver --" Steel settled all of himself down to concentrate on the scheming at hand. He was half-conscious of his fears retreating. Planning was always a comfort. "The problem is that we have to do two things now, and perfectly coordinated. Before, it was simply a matter to feign a siege and trick the starship into landing in the castle's Jaws." He turned a head in the direction of the courtyard. The stone dome over the landed starship had been in place since midspring. It showed some artillery damage now, the marble facing chipped away, but hadn't taken direct hits. Beside it lay the field of the Jaws: large enough to accept the rescue ship, but surrounded by pillars of stone, the teeth of the Jaws. With the proper use of gunpowder, the teeth would fall on the rescuers. That would be a last resort, if they didn't kill and capture the humans as they came out to meet dear Jefri. That scheme had been lovingly honed over many tendays, aided by Amdijefri's admissions about human psychology and his knowledge of how starships normally land. But now: "-- now we really need their help. What I ask them must do double duty, to fool them and to destroy Woodcarver."
"Hard to do all at once," agreed the Cloak. "Why not play it in two steps, the first more or less undeceitful: Have them destroy Woodcarver, then worry about taking them over?"
Steel clicked a tine thoughtfully on stone. "Yes. Trouble is, if they see too much.... They can't possibly be as naive as Jefri. He says that humankind has a history that includes castles and warfare. If they fly around too much, they'll see things that Jefri never saw, or never understood.... Maybe I could get them to land inside the castle and mount weapons on the walls. We'll have them hostage the moment that they stand between our Jaws. Damn. That would take some clever work with Amdijefri." The bliss of abstract planning foundered for a moment on rage. "It's getting harder and harder for me to deal with those two." !V June 5, 1991 Look up the previous use by Tines of "child*"

"They're both wholly puppies, for Pack's sake." The Fragment paused a second. "Of course, Amdiranifani may have more raw intelligence than any pack I've ever seen. You think he may even be smart enough to see past his childishness," he used the Samnorsk word, "and see the deception?" !V QU too repetitive of earlier? :

"No, not that. I have their necks in my jaws, and they still don't see it. You're right, Tyrathect; they do love me." And how I hate them for it. "When I'm around him, the mantis thing is all over me, close enough to cut my throat or poke out my eyes, but hugging and petting. And expecting me to love him back. Yes, they believe everything I say, but the price is accepting unending insolence." !V PRB This doesn't seem as great a provocation as things he said
!V earlier.
!V On the other hand, Steel is in a terrible mood

"Be cool, dear student. The heart of manipulation is to empathize without being touched." The Fragment stopped, as always, just short of the brink. Steel felt himself hissing at the words even before he was consciously aware of his reaction. !V QU repetitive?

"Don't ... lecture ... me! You are not Flenser. You are a fragment. Shit! You are a fragment of a fragment now. A word and you will be cut up, dead in a thousand pieces." He tried to suppress the trembling that spread through his members. Why haven't I killed him before now? I hate Flenser more than anything in the world, and it would be so easy. Yet the fragment was always so indispensable, somehow the only thing between Steel and failure. And he was under Steel's control. !General PRB. Villainy seems entirely of a single flavor, and that
! flamboyant TUF
! and extreme
!General IMP PRB characterization in individual scenes seems to go okay,
! but
! I also need changes/resolutions that build across the length of the
! novel.

And the singleton was doing a very good terrified cower. "Sit up, you! Give me your counsel and not your lectures, and you will live.... Whatever the reason, it's impossible for me to carry on the charade with these puppies. Perhaps for a few minutes at a time I can do it, or if there are other packs to keep them away from me, but none of this unending loving. Another hour of that and I-I know I'll start killing them. So. I want you to talk with Amdijefri. Explain the 'situation'. Explain --"
"But --" The singleton was looking at him in astonishment.
"I'll be watching; I'm not giving up those two to your possession. Just handle the close diplomacy." !V CHK repetitive?
!V Unfortunately, a lot of themes are getting repeated in this scene
!V June 5, 1991 This paragraph is not quite in line with your
!V Tyrathect/Flenser development sequence
!V June 5, 1991 I think you have to change this to indicate that
!V the Fragment was interested in being given the job. Overall
!V there may be a collision of problems in this scene
!V June 5, 1991 Maybe could use the lowering-of-head/closing-of-eyes
!V mannerism here (indicating that the "little school teacher" is
!V somehow present even still).
!V June 6, 1991 But "droop" still okay

The Fragment drooped, the pain in its shoulders undisguised. "If that is your wish, My Lord." !V June 17, 1991 FRAG:
! For a moment there was no lightness or sarcasm in its voice. "Steel,
! they don't trust me. Somehow they sense the tension between us."
!OUTLINE: scene from Flenser/Tyra pov, fighting with self again, ambiguous
! conclusion.
! Then the next scene from Amdijefri pov, and reader can't be sure which
! side of Flenser/Tyra has won
! Then finally meeting between Woodcarver and the New Flenser, and still
! there is ambiguity -- but perhaps it doesn't matter
!ID Could have Amdi play interchangeably at being Jefri

Steel showed all his teeth. "It is indeed. Just remember, I'll be present for everything important, especially direct radio communication." He waved the singleton off the parapet. "Now go and cuddle up to the children; learn something of self-control yourself."
After the Cloak was gone, he called Shreck up to the parapet. The next few hours were spent in touring the defenses and planning with his staff. Steel was very surprised how much clearing up the puppy problem improved his quality of mind. His advisors seemed to pick up on it, relaxed to the point of offering substantive suggestions. Where the breaches in the walls could not be repaired, they would build deadfalls. The cannon from the northern shops would arrive before the end of the dayaround, and one of Shreck's people had worked out an alternate plan for food and water resupply. Reports from the far scouts showed steady progress, a withering of the enemy's rear; they would lose most of their ammunition before they reached Starship Hill. Even now there was scarcely any shot falling on the hill. !V June 5, 1991 Too much clean blue sky? Consider going back and
!V changing the early claim that clear skies are unusual DONE

As the sun rose into the south, Steel was back on the parapets, scheming on just what to say to the Starfolk. !V June 17, 1991 FRAG:
! Only an hour now till Ravna had yet returned to the
! vicinity of the world.
!V Consider deleting the rest of this scene.
!V June 6, 1991 I think it can be made useful:
!V Have Steel think to himself how self-satisfied the Frag has seemed
!V of late. He might also note the neck-drooping, eye-blinking behavior
!V but consider it deceitful (later he sees the truth)
!V Complain tojrf that now it's all too obvious.
!V June 6, 1991 Actually, Frag sounds so smug through most of the book
!V (including c34 "
The member,) that it seems a little
!V unrealistic in c37 for
!V Steel to noticed him as "self-satisfied"

This was almost like earlier days, when plans went well and success was wondrous yet achievable. And yet ... at the back of his mind all the hours since talking with the singleton, there had been the little claws of fear. Steel had the appearance of ruling. The Flenser Fragment gave the appearance of following. But even though it was spread across miles, the pack seemed more together than ever before. Oh, in earlier times, the Fragment often pretended equilibrium, but its internal tension always showed. Lately, it seemed self-satisfied, almost ... smug. The Flenser Fragment was responsible for the Domain's forces south of Starship Hill, and after today -- after Steel had forced the responsibility upon him -- the Cloaks would be with Amdijefri every day. Never mind that the motivation had come from within Steel. Never mind that the Fragment was in an obvious state of agonized exhaustion. In its full genius, the Great One could have charmed a forest wolf into thinking Flenser its queen. And do I really know what he's saying to the packs beyond my hearing? Could my spies be feeding me lies about him? ^ Page 659, INSERT F [a separate paragraph]:

Now that he had a moment away from immediate concerns, these little claws dug deeper. I need him, yes. But the margin for error is smaller now. After a moment, he grated a happy chord, accepting the risk. If necessary, he would use what he had learned with the second set of cloaks, something he had artfully concealed from Flenser Tyrathect. If necessary, the Fragment would find that death can be radio swift. ^ V tojrf: slightly weak termination. Suggestions?
!V June 5, 1991 ID IMP could use this as opportunity to comment on
!V Fragment's greater confidence. Eg, would Steel have given Flenser
!V this assignment if he hadn't seemed reluctant. Gak, overall I don't
!V like these diversions.
!V June 17, 1991 FRAG
!
Now that he had a moment away from immediate concerns, these
! little claws dugged deeper.
! I need him, yes. But the margin for error is smaller now.
! There had to be other levers, ways he might
! destroy the Fragment instantly if the other went for his throats.
! After a moment, he grated a happy chord. There was a way.
!V QU PRB I don't know what he has in mind!!
!V Maybe it was to use radio interference???
!jrf2 Do you know, or not? If not, perhaps "radio death", some sort of
!jrf2 overload or sudden shock from manipulation of the radio cloaks.
!V Hmm, I may just drop it (it is after all, just a
!V cover for segue). If I do use it, then Steel's scheme meets
!V with frustration
!V when he discovers at the end that Flenser is all together and
!V not using the cloaks anymore. -- And that apparent
!V forethoughtfulness of Flenser undermines the impression I want
!V leave about Tyrathect's subtle form of survival.

^ V IMP PRB <rendezvous> see this tag above (perhaps more than once)
!V June 17, 1991 mARK
^ V June 18, 1991 Be nice if you could have some image for this rendezvous
^ V maneuver, as dotting an 'i' at the center of a dart board.

Even as he flew the velocity match, Pham was working the ultradrive. This would save them hours of fly back time, but it was a chancy game, one the ship had never been designed for. OOB bounced all around the solar system. One really lucky jump was all they needed. (And one really unlucky jump, into the planet, would kill them. A good reason why this game was not normally played.) ^ INCON proper terminology for rocket drive <rendezvous>
!jrf2 About the reasoning in the first few sentences of the following
!jrf2 paragraph: Can't Ravna and the Riders convince him of the
!jrf2 insanity of his fear of the skrodes? It would help if he were
!jrf2 a bit more flexible.
!V June 10, 1991 unfortunately, it seems to me that I need him pretty
!V psyched up to
!V have the action in the rest of the climax and to match Blueshell's
!V sacrifice
!V June 18, 1991 I try to get around jrf criticism here by having
!V Blueshell admit that he couldn't do much better.

After hours of hacking the flight automation, of playing ultradrive roulette, poor Pham's hands were faintly trembling. Whenever Tines' World came back into view -- often no more than a far point of blue light -- he would glare for a second at it. Ravna could see the doubts rising within him: His memories told him he should be good with low-tech automation, yet some of the OOB primitives were almost impenetrable. Or maybe his memories of competence, of the Qeng Ho, were cheap fakes. ^ V June 18, 1991 Slight INCON (or apparent incon): how do
^ V relativistic KE bombs do effective final targeting?
^ V I could see a period of an hour or so where they hop around --
^ V and the victims can do little about it...

"The Blighter fleet. How long?" asked Pham.
Greenstalk was watching the nav window from the Riders' cabin. It was the fifth time the question had been asked in the last hour, yet her voice came back calm and patient. Maybe the repeated questions even seemed a natural thing. "Range forty-nine light-years. Estimated time of arrival forty-eight hours. Seven more ships have dropped out." Ravna could subtract: one hundred and fifty-two were still coming.
Blueshell's voder sounded over his mate's, "During the last two hundred seconds, they have made slightly better time than before, but I think that is local variance in Bottom conditions. Sir Pham, you are doing well, but I know my ship. We could get a little more time if you only you'd allow me control. Please --" !V AWK (but close)

"Shut up." Pham's voice was sharp, but the words were almost automatic. It was a conversation -- or the abortion of one -- that occurred almost as often as Pham's demand for status info on the Blighter fleet. ^ V June 17, 1991 Maybe this should be said a lot earlier.

In the early weeks of their journey, she had assumed that godshatter was somehow superhuman. Instead it was parts and pieces, automation loaded in a great panic. Maybe it was working right, or maybe it had run amok and was tearing Pham apart with its errors.
The old cycle of fear and doubt was suddenly broken by soft blue light. Tines' World! At last, a wondrously accurate jump, almost as good as the shocker of five hours before: Twenty thousand kilometers away hung a vast narrow crescent, the edge of planetary daylight. The rest was a dark blot against the stars, except where the auroral ring hung a faint green glow around the south pole. Jefri Olsndot was on the other side of the world from them, in the arctic day. They wouldn't have radio communication until they arrived -- and she hadn't figured out how to recalibrate the ultrawave for shortrange transmission. ^ V June 18, 1991 Should think about this
^ V earlier; she may have an ongoing reason for shame:

She turned back from the view. Pham still stared upward into the sky behind her. "... Pham, what good is forty-eight hours? Will we just destroy the Countermeasure?" What of Jefri and Mr. Steel's folk?
"Maybe. But there are other possibilities. There must be." That last softly. "I've been chased before. I've been in bigger jams before." His eyes avoided hers.