[
family
mental
work
]
2004-12-12
Life is good: and it feels sort of strange to say it. I got a new job, though it doesn't pay well. I even had a boyfriend there for a couple of months, but lo and behold we're not dating anymore but we still hang out and are good friends. Also, I am moving next week, into a bigger apartment in a much better neighborhood, very close to where my daughter lives.
But the biggest thing is that mentally I've been doing very well for oh, about six months I'd say. I managed to weather being unemployed rather well, I have to say. It's so easy to get lulled into a false sense of complacency - I feel more or less "normal" and can almost fool myself into thinking that the crippling depression and occasional mania were just an aberration, not the main story of my emotional life. But the truth is that *this* is the aberration, this good feeling.
Don't get me wrong, things still aren't perfect or anything. My apartment is a filthy horrid mess, for one thing. Hopefully tomorrow I will get off my ass for a few hours and actually do some cleaning.
Anyway, I've been at my job for three months, and my health insurance kicks in January first. Yippee!! I've actually, cross my fingers, been rather healthy the past couple years that I've gone without insurance. Total luck, I know.
My job is going well. I kind of like it. It's a bit like drudgery, but it feels nice to have something stable. I get along well with the people at work, and I like them. I did very well on my first interim performance evaluation (they do these on new people every two months for the first year).
Oh. My job. Well, I work for the Texas Department of Public Safety in the Driver's License Bureau's Microfilm department. Basically I retrieve driver's license applications and other documents from microfilm. It's not glamorous, but it's a living. As long as this legacy stuff exists, I will have a job (barring major cutbacks or something).
Our department is in the process of transitioning to computer scanning of documents. The state of Texas is divided into six regions, and we are now scanning paperwork from three of them, and slated to phase in the others in a few months. But things are not all rosy on the scanning side of the room...
You see, the people in charge have this idea that someone doing "verifying" of scanned batches should be able to process 80 batches per day. Apparently, this is a wild number they pulled out of their asses, because even the best person they have can do no more than 75, and that's on a good day. I couldn't even make eye contact with my boss and her boss in the meeting where they explained to us that these numbers are "doable".
Eventually, I will be shifted over to the scanning / verifying realm, and when they pressure me to produce 80 verified batches a day, I know what I'm going to tell them. They think 80 is a feasible number? I have two words for them: "Show me."
That's right, I wanna see my boss and her boss sit down and bust their asses, and, *without making any errors*, do 80 batches in a day. Because if it's "doable", then it must be doable by *them*, right? And perhaps my lack of speed is only due to ignorance of superior verification techniques. Or something.
I'm going to have to watch out and not get too snarky when that day comes, because I could easily say something that would get my ass fired.
Seriously, these people are fucking *nuts*. In a job like that, where you are indexing thousands upon thousands of documents, you do *not* want to do anything like rush people, because rushed people make mistakes. Mistakes mean documents that are lost *forever*. And we can't have that, nosir no way.
Who knows, maybe they will be forced to see reason before it ever becomes an issue for me. They like having me where I am, doing "pulls", as they call it, because I am efficient and do a good job. I've already been given added responsibility, producing daily status reports on pulls and a type of data entry of photo requests that I do that is called M204 stuff.
It's a crazy, crazy world. I'm gonna keep applying for jobs outside my department that have a higher salary, or the potential to move to a higher salary. Unfortunately, where I am, I am not going to make any more money unless I get promoted to be a "tech", but that would likely take *years*.
Enough about that. Um, let's see. Elena is doing well.... We recently went to San Diego for the week of Thanksgiving, and had a great time with my mom, my brother and his family, and my sister and her family. 5 grandkids in all, two baby boys and three little girls all running around with glee. We saw the pandas at the zoo, it was great. I made a little 15-minute movie and I'm almost done burning the dvds to send off. We had a lot of fun at the beach. It was quite lovely.
I voted for Kerry, but fat lot of good it did. I voted on a machine with no paper trail, natch. At least I have the consolation that I live in a blue county. That should count for something. Shouldn't it? Please?
I thought up a great bumper sticker slogan. Seriously, I should open a Cafepress store and sell them. They would say: "I hate America because of people like you". Ahahhahaha. I think I'd call my store the "bumperstickers that will get you shot on the roadway" store. I'm sure I can come up with some other ones. Like "GOD IS JUST PRETEND".
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't put these on *my* car. I'd just sell them to people braver than I. With a big disclaimer about how they take their lives into their own hands of course.
My cat is doing well. She can be kinda in my face too much (why do cats put their *rear end* in your face?), and is very needy and clingy. She was all over me when I got back from San Diego. Strangely, she had the poofed-out bottlebrush tail thing going on during that post-vacation kitty love session. It was the weirdest thing. Purring like crazy, big poofy tail. Odd.
I have become a big fan of Yellow Tail shiraz, a great $6 wine that my grocery store carries. I even found it at a gas station shoppette once. Ha! But I tend to drink the whole bottle when I open one, and I'm technically not supposed to drink on my medication.... but the larger point is I'm refraining from alcohol for awhile, at least until Albert comes back after New Year's and we'll share a bottle of cheap champagne.
Albert is the boyfriend I alluded to earlier. Things got started from an ad I posted to craigslist, and we were happy for about two months (mostly).... then he woke me up at 3am and told me I was a slob. I was like, "wtf? I'm going home", so home I went. I don't need to be treated like that. Once we weren't dating anymore it was like this huge relief. I could relax and be myself and not worry anymore. Now we're great friends. It's almost bizarre. We hug and stuff, but that's all. Everyone needs some gentle positive touching in their lives.
Albert is smart, he's got a couple-few degrees and used to be a Spanish linguist for the Army. He's just now finishing up some college work in a teaching program - he wants to teach high school math. He's done some subbing already, so he kind of knows which area schools to avoid.
Sometimes, though, the way he talks, I can't help it, it makes me twitch. I got over the whole correcting him thing, and I don't do it anymore, but damn. The man never uses a past participle. How many times have I said to him "You had GONE, not you had WENT". Guh! It makes him sound so much stupider than he is. He says he speaks a "Kansan dialect" or something. All I know is that it sounds wrong, terribly terribly wrong. But I can't make him stop. C'est la vie.
Albert has a 1982 VW Westfalia camper van, which is great. We've gone camping twice in it, and it was fun. Er, except for the part where we camped in a spot that was not allowed and we totally got busted by like four park service cops. Luckily, they did not notice that Albert had been cutting down trees. Whew. (Cedars == bad, bad introduced icky species that takes over everything here unless eradicated through much work, effort, and expense). He was just trying to give the native flora a chance, really. But I don't think the park service guys would have been persuaded by that sort of argument.
So anyway, I very much insist on only camping in *allowed* areas from now on. Getting busted was hella stressful, and I don't need that again. Albert was banned from the park for 60 days. Strangely, the guys never even asked my name. I could have been on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list and they wouldn't have noticed. Heh. Go figure.
I'm excited about my new apartment. I get the keys and sign the lease on Wednesday. W00t. It's on the ground floor, and in Hyde Park, which is just the coolest neighborhood ever. I'll be on Avenue A, at the corner of 46th. Elena lives on Speedway, which is otherwise known as Avenue E, and is about 4 houses north of 46th. So about four short blocks. Not bad at all. And I will also be near Albert (he lives at the Bee Hive on Avenue B, near 43rd).
What's great is there's a Walgreen's just down the street - on the same block, even. Right now I have a 7-11 at the edge of my parking lot, which is spiffy, although sometimes I have been known to give into the temptation to buy a twelvepack of beer, and lived to regret it. Ugh. Thankfully, Walgreen's does not offer that sort of temptation, so I will be better off overall.
Oh, also, I will be caddy-corner to my bank. Not that I go there much, with direct deposit and whatnot, but hey, I'm close if I need to go there.
My rent will be $150 greater, but I won't face the kind of summer electric bills I've been having here - $170 was my highest. Ugh. The neighborhood is much, much better. Plus I will have about a 5-minute commute! I could ride my bike, theoretically, but well, I don't think there's any place to park my bike at work. Plus it would suck if torrential rains develop when it's time to ride home.
Moving can be stressful - my place is a total mess, a real disaster area, and I plan to emerge from this process much cleaner. That is the plan, anyway. I have serious "stuff" issues and must work on purging, purging, purging. On Friday at lunch I went to Half Price Books and sold a few boxes that had been languishing in my trunk for many weeks. Finally! It feels good to be rid of them. I have a ton of crap to eBay and whatnot, plus stuff still at Chris's house. It's a nightmare, basically. But if I bust my ass, it will get better.
Like the pachinko machine. I was nuts when I bought that damn thing. It's HOOGE. And heavy. Elena says she wants to play with it once before I sell it, but I know what's going to happen. She'll want me to keep it. And it will be some horrible psychodrama. So I don't know how exactly I will handle the situation. We'll see.
Suddenly I am very tired and it occurs to me that I should already be in bed. Tonight is the only night of the week I get to sleep in, so I'm going to enjoy it. Highlight of my week, even. (Don't tell Elena I said that.)
Okay, okay. *One* of the highlights of my week.
G'night.
[
family
random thoughts
rants
]
2002-11-07
Oy. Tired: Today, I went through the entire garage, moving around my bins and boxes full of stuff (well, crap) and generally improving the situation. I took one box of stuff to Goodwill, and have several more piles of the same sort of stuff to go as well.
It was grueling. I've been putting this off for a long time. I didn't just move stuff around, I sorted through it. Not all of it, mind you, just lots of it. And my back is killing me. Ugh.
I also set up my industrial shelves in the garage, the better to hold my oddly-shaped boxes and things. See, most of my belongings fit into my huge collection of Rubbermaid bins. I'm slowly moving everything over to bins from boxes, after a nasty episode a few years ago in which I lost a box of clothes to mold secondary to water damage in a Public Storage third-floor unit. And plus my boxes are showing wear and I just generally like the bins more. They come in all sorts of pretty colors, for one thing.
Which brings me to the point that I have a remarkable collection of bin colors, considering that I've been collecting the standard Rubbermaid Roughneck bins for many years now. I've got gray bins with orange lids, and in the category of "bins with the same color lid", I've got: hot pink, white, dark green, medium green, and four different shades of blue: bright blue, medium blue, medium-darkish blue, and dark blue infused with glittery stuff. And then there are two gray lids in there - I figure I must have been in an odd mood when I was bin shopping and picked contrasting gray lids. Oh yeah, and of the new Roughneck style of bin, I've got four of the blue ones with gray lids, but I don't like them - the lids don't stay on very tightly at all, so I'll be looking to pawn them off on a relative or friend one of these days when I can spare them.
More than you ever wanted to know about my Rubbermaid bins, but there's still more! Anyway, once I get everything under control, like items happily encased with their brethren, I plan to label, number, and inventory the lot of them. With the remarkable number of colors I have to work with, I will be able to tell at a glance which bin in which stack has got the item I need. Such as: the medium-sized medium blue bin with the hot pink lid holding office supplies, or some such thing.
Can you tell I've put an extraordinary amount of thought into this? This whole process has taken me years, mind you, so I've had a lot of time to ponder it.
My bin obsession, as it were, makes me horribly vulnerable every time I spy a new color of bin. I simply *must* have at least two of any new color I see. Occasionally I am able to exercise a tiny amount of restraint, but it's very difficult. These days I don't really have to worry, because I'm so broke I can't afford even one bin (the small ones run about $3.50). But the peril awaits should I wander down the wrong aisle at Wal-mart - the heartbreak of seeing a new bin color that I will never see again, and which I cannot afford to buy. This has already happened to me with the glorious ruby red and the silver with glitter, alas.
Yes, I'm a bin freak. So sue me.
Tomorrow I face a great deal more sorting, and I'll be taking a full carload to Goodwill. My fabric collection, which I typically refer to as my Fabric Problem, has grown yet again, and needs some serious culling and sorting. I find I keep running into the problem that the big bins are becoming unwieldy, because they hold too much stuff and it's hard to dig through when the thing you're looking for is way at the bottom. Someday I will be able to afford three medium bins to replace every pair of big bins, but I'm not sure how far off in the future that is.
I spent a lot of time today cleaning out bins, and in particular cleaning off the lids since most of them got horribly dusty during my stay over at David's. And one of my smaller clear Sterilite bins had been pissed in by one of David's cats, so I just threw it away. Attempting to clean cat piss out of the strangely-shaped nooks and crannies was just not something I wanted to go for, especially since I suspect it would still stink no matter how hard I scrubbed, and then the container would infect whatever contents I placed inside with that foul odor. No thanks, I think I can do without that bin.
Speaking of cat piss, since so many of my belongings were uh, "blessed" by David's cats, I have decided to get rid of anything that was so damaged. I really did try to get out the smell, even using his special enzymatic spray and so on, but it JUST DOESN'T FREAKING WORK!!!! And really I'm quite furious about it. If it were a one-time thing, fine, no problem, I understand animals can be like that, but here's the list of my items that have been destroyed due to David's cat(s) pissing on them:
- My papasan cushion (I abandoned the whole chair)
- My fancy travel backpack
- My nice rolling suitcase duffel thingie
- My sleeping bag
- The bag I sewed velcro on to customize it to attach it to my outrigger canoe
- The aforementioned Sterilite bin
- A plate with a seashell design on it
- And other stuff I already threw out that I can't think of right now...
It's just really disgusting, and I would be happy if I never have to smell cat piss on my belongings ever again, frankly. At least now the cat's pissing on HIS stuff, not mine. Harrumph!
I was actually stunned to realize that one of my duffel bags escaped being pissed on. I kept sniffing it and sniffing it, sure that it had also fallen victim, but miraculously, it survived intact. Hallelujah!
As long as I'm bitching about the yuck factor attached to my belongings after their stay at David's house, let me also bring up the huge amount of dog and cat hair that clings to EVERY COTTON PICKING THING. GAH!!! There. Okay. Got that out of my system.
So the overall point is, if it's not cat piss, it's dog and cat hair, and if it's not that, then it's dirt. Some items suffered a combination of perils. It's not pretty. I'm just glad it's freaking OVER.
Actually, my table got pissed on too, but I'm not ditching my table - it's very special to me, and is older than I am. And so did my elephant fountain. But that's also a one-of-a-kind item that's not replaceable. Can you tell I'm sort of bitter about all this? Trust me, you would be too. Oh, maybe not the first time, or the second, or even the third, but maybe by the fifth time your stuff got pissed on and you realized that nothing was safe, you might get oh, kind of annoyed. Ahem. Moving on...
So Richard has been laid up with this flu that's going around. His immune system is not as strong as your average person's, so he wasn't strong enough to escape the bed except for a couple hours this evening. I did manage to get a little bit of food into him, though, and I hope it does him some good. I sure hope he feels better soon - it sucks to see him so miserable and not be able to do much to help him.
So tomorrow is when I'm supposed to know whether or not I qualified for an IRS job or not... we'll see. I think the test was easy, but then again there were a couple hundred people there taking the test with me, and that was just *one* testing day. It's very competitive out there. People are getting desperate.
I didn't vote the other day. I decided they were all scummy and tainted with Enron (you should've seen all the negative ads they slung back and forth at each other), plus I just didn't feel like it. I'm so cynical about politics these days, bleagh. I think I'd rather have trained monkeys running things, to be perfectly honest. Odds are they'd do a better job.
I'm so sick of being totally broke. I really need a job. Sigh. It's not my fault no one's hiring. I keep trying, and keep not getting called. It's very frustrating. I'm just about at the point where I'll consider lying on my resume just so I can get *something*. Well, not really. I'm a horrible liar and I resent fiercely being put into any position where I have to lie. But I am starting to get really desperate. It shouldn't be this hard. Argh.
Oh. Back to the whole "bad smells" theme. Yesterday when I went to Spencer's house for my visit with Elena, a pungent and unearthly stench greeted me the moment I walked in the door. My best guess is that a raccoon has died underneath the house. It was positively *ghastly*. As in, I would sleep in my car rather than in the house, if that were where I lived.
Eventually Spencer's mom covered up the floor vents with blankets and towels, and that helped quite a bit, but holy freakin cow, it was still nasty. If it's still bad tomorrow, I might just raise a stink of my own about how I don't think it's the proper environment for my daughter to have to live with that kind of thing. I mean, really - if Spencer's not going to dive under the house and root out the problem, then he sure as heck better hire someone else to do so.
Elena is becoming more intelligent by the week. It's really pretty cool to see happening. She's already becoming a shrewd negotiator - I wanted to brush her hair after her bath, but she wanted to watch a movie, and I said no to the movie til after I brushed her hair. Then she brilliantly proposed that I brush her hair *while* we watched the movie. Clever girl. Okay, may not seem like rocket science to you, but the way she said it was just... masterful. The kid's going to be a great actress, I tell ya. And an Olympic athlete. And a Nobel Laureate. And then when she turns thirteen...
But seriously, her reasoning capacity is growing. She had me pretend to nurse one of her stuffed animals, and she asked me if there was any milk in my nanas anymore. And I told her no, that there hadn't been for a long time. She looked thoughtful for a moment, and then said, "Maybe if you drink some milk, then it will go to your nanas, and then you will have milk in your nanas again". I admired her logic, but told her that unfortunately it doesn't quite work that way.
She tells me about her dreams... apparently they're quite vivid. She dreamed she met Peter Pan and got to fight Captain Hook with him. She dreamed about a bunny and she put out her hand and the bunny licked it. Stuff like that. Okay, maybe it's small stuff, but I think it's amazing.
Elena's also getting more defiant lately. Oy, it's troubling to deal with, but I know it's a normal stage of development. She gets all unglued when she doesn't get her way, but she's learning.
She's got a friend at school, Emma, who was born on the same day as she was. When they both were old enough to pick a favorite color, they both picked blue, and there was peace and love in the world. Then Emma changed her mind and decided she liked red more. Elena responded by not wanting to be her friend anymore, and being very sore about the whole thing (and telling us all about it, with a very downcast tone: "Emma doesn't like blue anymore"). Elena took it as a huge betrayal. Time has passed, and dear Emma has learned the error of her ways and decided that yes, in fact, blue is the best color again. So now their friendship is restored and all is good and right in the world.
It's funny, but also kind of creepy. I'm wondering just how much of a cold shoulder Elena was giving her about this whole blue thing. I hope my child is not using emotional manipulation of her friends at such a tender age. Yeesh, that would be scary if she really knew what she was doing.
I'm not too worried though - Elena is a sweet kid and very sensitive whenever I'm sad. Some days I'm in a really sad and down mood, and if it shows to her and she knows about it, she'll say "It's okay mommy, I'll make you happy". The couple times that this has happened it just warms my heart and breaks it at the same time.
She's so happy... oh please, don't let her turn out like me. Don't let her suffer what I've gone through. Please, let it be easier for her. Please, let her only get my good genes, not the troublesome ones. Let her learn from my mistakes and do better. That is my mission.
I really miss her. She gets really sad when I have to explain that she can't spend the night with me. Last night, she asked if I could spend the night with her and I had to tell her that I couldn't.
It hurts a lot that I'm made out to be some kind of villain. I would never, ever hurt her. Yet I'm not trusted with my own child. And every day that I'm away from her, it eats me up inside, but I take it, because I have to.
Yes, I'm bitter and angry, *very* angry about the situation. But right now I'm powerless, so I just have to suck it up. But not forever. Not forever. I will be stronger someday. I will have money someday, so I can get a lawyer and go to court if need be and argue before a judge why I should get to spend more time with my daughter, and that I shouldn't be treated like a dangerous criminal with regard to her. Because I'm not, dammit.
I'm her mother, and I'm a damn good mother at that. From the beginning I have suffered for her sake, over and over again. I have given and given, and worked and strived to make sure she had what she needed, what she deserved, the best I could offer her. And I continue, even as my heart is ripped apart, as I'm sometimes sick and so often weary, and broke and unemployed and stuck in a situation I can't fix right now. And on and on it stretches in time, like a prison sentence. But I won't give up. Because I *can't*. I will not be pushed out of her life.
I do pretty well most of the time at keeping my feelings from bubbling to the surface, but it's hard work suppressing it. By "it" I mean the fury, the righteous anger that screams HOW DARE YOU neverending in my heart.
I miss my baby! I conceived her, I grew her, I bore her in extreme pain, my body ripped open. I nursed her as long as I could, and it hurt like pliers on my nipples for the first seven weeks. Just imagine that for a moment, if you can. I went back to work because he said I had to. I took her to day care, I pumped for her, I nursed her at lunch. I changed her diapers when he wouldn't be bothered, I made sure he wasn't disturbed at night when she awoke, and I bathed her and bought her clothes and did the walking up and down the floor while he watched tv. When it was over between us I let her stay in the house with him, because it would be easier on her (and yet he accused me of "abandoning" her).
And I get in return a restraining order, limited visits, restrictions, rules, nebulous references that where I live isn't good enough for her to visit (it's a nicer house than his - I still have NO CLUE why he objects, because he WON'T TELL ME). I'm just supposed to shut up and wait for him to feel "comfortable".
I want to scream. I'm so sick of it.
How dare he, mister three-DUIs, treat *me* like I can't be trusted. I had to drive myself to the hospital while I was in labor, because he had lost his driving privileges. When I was home, asleep, pregnant, he was out getting arrested. I want to talk about this in court, in front of a judge, someday. Nothing I have done is comparable to the sin of a single DUI, much less THREE.
There. I said it. I feel better now. I don't care what you might think of me, because I KNOW what I went through for that hateful, spiteful man. I tried and tried until I just couldn't take it anymore. I suffered through his rages, his vitriol, his self-pity about the consequences of his third DUI (I had quite limited patience for that crap, mind you). And now look at how he treats me.
I'm sick of living under his thumb. I'm going to save my pennies, and when the time is right, I'm taking his ass to court. And I am so much kinder than him, because I want only what is truly fair.
I'm sick of writing about this right now. I'm not sure what people will think, or if anyone will read it. I don't much care. This is how I feel, plain and simple. Deal with it.
[
design
family
]
2002-06-22
Help me find something! I'm looking for a (hopefully cheap) watch which has something known as a
sweep second hand. What this means is that the hand on the watch that indicates what second it is moves smoothly around the circle.
That is, it doesn't jerk forward, pause, jerk forward, pause, etc. It just flows smoothly around.
The reason for this is that it's much easier to take a person's pulse with such a watch than with the other kind. So I need one, since pulse-taking will surely be part of my job.
I remember my grandmother, Loujean, telling me about how a watch with a sweep second hand was a requirement for the nursing students in the training she underwent as a young woman. I also remember that I didn't get what she meant at the time. Now I do.
Heh, ain't that always the way? Anyway, thanks, Grandma, for having told me that. I finally understand what you mean. :)
I've looked for such watches in a few places, such as Walmart, but apparently no one makes them that way anymore (too expensive? I hope not...). Maybe I'll have to keep my eyes open at Ebay to get ahold of one.
Any clues that any of my readers could give me would be much appreciated. Feel free to email me, leave a comment, or send an anonymous clue via the box o doom.
Thanks in advance...
[
animals
family
]
2002-06-06
Very sad news: When I was in Colorado, something really unfortunate happened to one of my mother's horses. Well, that's putting it mildly.
Her 8-yr-old Arabian mare, Silhoette (yes, the 'u' is absent on purpose), who was in training down in Colorado Springs, had some kind of spontaneous internal brain injury, probably an aneurysm. She reacted strangely, breaking her halter and throwing herself to the ground. She walked as though she were punch-drunk, they said.
The vet came, they finally calmed her down, and then she seemed to be doing a bit better. Silhoette was put in a pasture with a gentle gelding to keep her company.
A little while after that, she collapsed and died.
:(
I'm so very sad about the whole situation - especially for my mother, who had lost another beloved horse to a totally unexpected accident some years ago. I tried to do what I could to comfort my mom, but I am not all that good at such things, I'm afraid.
I just did my best, reminding her of what a great mom she has always been to all of us, her children (both two-footed and four-footed). I told that I knew her sweet princess of a filly was very well-loved all her days, and that she had done the very best she could for her.
I know it will take a long time for the pain to lessen, for the happy memories to outweigh the pain of loss.
She was a very special horse, and we will miss her. She'll always be in our hearts.
[
family
]
2002-05-20
Going on a trip: Tomorrow morning I'm taking off to Colorado for a couple weeks, to visit my mom and help her organize some stuff to make life easier when she moves.
I'll post a little while I'm there, probably. :)
[
family
]
2002-04-19
Busy. Mom visiting. Elena's birthday party tomorrow. Lots of stuff to do. Headache. Tired.
[
family
]
2001-08-16
Back from the wilds of California!
... and I had a great trip visiting my sister, her husband, and their lovely little daughter, Isabella (known mostly as Bella).
I spent a lot of time sitting on the couch reading, and I managed to finish three mystery books by Janwillem van de Wetering. No small feat! I also watched the entire second season of Sex and the City, nine hours' worth of episodes that they had rented on DVD.
Plus of course I did a little bit of babysitting, which went well. Little Miss Bella only screamed bloody murder during a small part of the session, at which point I was inspired to make up her bottle of formula a little early, as my sister had told me I might need to do. This calmed her so well that she fell asleep once she had drunk about half of it. Yea for Auntie Beth!
Other fun things we did included: going to a barbecue at the home of one of Kulpreet's coworkers, going to the Exploratorium (something I've been wanting to do for, oh, over fifteen years), and visiting the offices of Google. It was all very cool and I'll write more about it later. Right now I'm just doing the brief overview thing.
I hope people didn't worry too much about me while I was gone...
[
family
good
]
2001-05-06
I'm an Auntie (again)!
My sister Kathy just had her baby yesterday, a wee bonnie lass named Isabella. I haven't seen pictures of her yet, but in about half an hour there will be a webcast-thingie that they're doing from the hospital, so I imagine that I'll see her then.
Everyone is doing well, but of course they're exhausted. My sister made it through her labor without pain meds, even though she had pitocin! Wow! I'm so glad everything went well for her.
Sometime in July, I'm planning to head up to visit her (in California) so that I can help her out for about a week. It will be a lot of fun, I think.
[
family
mammalog
]
2001-01-15
Brilliant kids are delightful:
...and also sometimes quite a handful. I think the two go hand-in-hand. Today:
- Before taking a shower, I got on the scale. I don't do it often, because I don't like what it tells me. Sure enough, it had bad news, so I exclaimed "Doh!" and stepped off.At this point, Elena stepped on the scale, looked down, and proclaimed "Stupid!"I was rolling on the floor - what a smart little thing she is!
- As I started running the water for my shower, I noticed it was only lukewarm. What the heck?, I thought... Then I remembered - Elena had been messing about in the laundry room yesterday, where the water heater was, and she had a few seconds before I went in after her (she can now open doors by herself). I retrieved her and didn't think anything of it. Well, sure enough, she had turned the water heater down *all the way*. It was on "pilot". So I cranked it up to the normal "HOT" setting a little while ago, and I have to wait for it to heat up before I can take a shower.
If you feel the urge to tell me how horrifying it could have been if she'd turned the knob the other way, or done something to it that would have made it explode and burn the house down, don't bother. I have a highly developed sense of guilt, so I've already chastised myself for my stupidity. And we're going to put an Elena-proof latch on the door to the laundry. At the TOP of the door. That oughtta last us until she figures out how to get out the stepladder by herself...
Right now, she's all scrunched up in a basket of warm laundry, watching Chicken Run, and holding her balloon. Yes, I took pix. I'll upload later today...
[
family
]
2001-01-12
Somebody I know:
died yesterday. And I am feeling somewhat guilty that I wasn't nicer to him. I didn't even really know him that well, but I was rather standoffish towards him. More than I needed to be.
I didn't realize how sick he was, either.
Partly because of this, I felt like finding again a bit of
Lileks that I had remembered reading. It's something he wrote
about the death of his mother:
Mom at the sink, Mom over the washing machine, Mom on skis, about to hurtle over a cliff. Mom coming through the door with the bowling trophy. Mom at the piano, serenading herself after the chores were done. Ordinary moments of an ordinary life.
The ordinary now has its true face: miraculous. Growing up under her hand, her gaze, her heart was a miracle, unbelievable luck. I had no idea at the time; we never do. We take the miraculous as commonplace because it happens every day. And then you find yourself cutting the first piece of hospital chicken for your mother, and you realize that you cannot even begin to repay the debt. You'll spend the rest of your days discovering what you owe.
[
beauty
family
]
2000-12-20
Saw the lights last night:
Down at 37th street, here in Austin, about nine blocks South of us. This area is somewhat infamous, since there is a block where a fellow named Jamie started a tradition of massive, creative, garish light displays. Most of the houses on the street are now bedecked with twinkling lights every holiday season, and it's truly a delight and wonder to behold.
I took some pictures with my new digital camera, and about 33 out of 51 came out okay. It was hard to hold the thing still - I'm still learning! Anyway, here's one, and if you want to see all of them, just browse the
pix directory and look for anything that begins with "lights":
This pic shows the Volcano House, taken from across the street.
Some of my other favorites of the bunch:
It's rather an intense display, chaotically beautiful, whimsically creative, and best experienced on foot. The pictures just don't do it justice - there are numerous light strands crossing the street overhead, and all sorts of odd things in Jamie's backyard. It's just amazing.
[
family
xmas
]
2000-12-19
Gift ideas:
For my family to look at are now online at my website
here. It's kind of crude, but please forgive me, it's the first thing I've ever made with php & sql.
If you are a family member o mine (and you know who you are!) you can add gift ideas for yourself at the
main page.
Please don't anyone who is not in my family be a jerk and mess with it - you'll just make me cry and then I'll have to take the form down.
[
beauty
family
]
2000-12-19
Look closely:
at Elena's hair in the pictures I mentioned below. You can see the gorgeous color she's got, illuminated by the sunlight.
I have never in my life seen a more beautiful color of hair - it's brown, but when the sun hits it, you can see these rich, reddish tones that hide within.
It's like a secret treasure.
And lucky me, I get to be her mother, so I get to see it every day.
[
beauty
consume
family
]
2000-12-19
New toy! New toy! So I finally got one o them combination webcam & low-end digital cameras. I decided I couldn't wait for the Logitech Quickcam Traveler to come out, so I got the Intel Pocket PC Camera. It kicks butt! Just what I wanted, I'm very pleased.
It can take about a hundred pix at 640 x 480 resolution, and about two hundred at 320 x 240. There is no lcd on it, and no flash, but I think it works very well. Here's a picture I took of Elena (shrunk so it's not so huge):
It's definitely quite serviceable for my needs. Keep in mind that I'm the kind of person who for years couldn't hear the difference between cassette tapes and cd's (and even now it doesn't really bug me). So pictures that are pretty darn good are good enough for me, at least for now. To me, it's good enough if you can make out what's in the picture and any rough spots aren't major enough to dampen your enjoyment of the picture.
Anyway, look for lots more pix as time goes on. From yesterday, I present to you:
[
family
humor
]
2000-12-08
Snapshot of my life:
in the form of the contents of the current videotape we are adding to most these days:
Make of it what you will...
[
family
]
2000-12-04
Sad Monday:
Spencer has gone on a week-long business trip up to Boston, so Elena has been particularly clingy and stuck to me like glue (he just left yesterday). It was horrible dropping her off at daycare this morning - she screamed and cried for all she was worth. I felt like the meanest mommy in the whole, wide world. :( I hate this feeling. I know she'll be okay, but it just rips my heart apart to see her so unhappy.
[
family
food
good
]
2000-11-23
The day of the sacred yummy bird is here:
and I am happily full. Elena is asleep, we've got some good movies to watch, I made some pretty good (though not great) gravy, my family and friends are all safe and warm and taken care of (as far as I know), and I am extremely thankful for that. Each day is a gift.
That's about it. Harvest feasting is a fun holiday, indeed!
[
family
xmas
]
2000-11-21
The Jump-O-Lene ROCKS!
It's fabulous, one of the best things I've gotten for Elena in a long while. I even sent a message out to my cow orkers describing it:
I came across this lovely little inflatable bouncy safety-dome thingie yesterday, and decided to get one for my daughter (Elena, 18 months old). I found it online here, and also came across it at Bed, Bath & Beyond (on Great Hills Trail) for $30, which is $5 cheaper and you don't have to deal with shipping costs (it's almost 13 pounds). It took us about 30 minutes to inflate, taking turns with the bicycle pump for the larger sections, and some concerted lung-powered effort on the upper sections. If you have an air compressor, it'd be much much easier. It's a *BIG* hit! Elena absolutely loves it, and raucous giggling was heard all evening. Many toddler calories were burned, and all of us slept well last night. :) With a big sheet draped over the top, it makes a wonderful little playhouse. Kids can dive in over the top, or through one of the little holes. You can squish it through doorways to store it in another room when playtime is done with. And of course it can be used outside. Anyway, I thought this thing was great, and that anyone with little kids (the maximum weight limit is 120 pounds) might enjoy it, or some of you may be needing gift ideas for your friends with little ones. Even an itty bitty little one who can only crawl would enjoy it, I think, as long as you keep bigger, more energetic kids away while they're playing. To state the obvious: it's not the kind of thing that kids should play in unsupervised, and you really have to clear the room of any hard obstacles that they can bump into (chairs, tables, etc), at least to a radius of a few feet all around the thing. If there is more than one child inside at one time, they can crash into each other, causing serious injury, so please be very careful (it might be best to just make the kids take turns). Just sharing, -Beth
p.s. No, I don't have any financial interest in any of the companies mentioned. :P
[
family
]
2000-11-19
Coming home tomorrow:
Vacation is nice, but I miss my routine and my stuff and all that. Tomorrow we'll have a long saga to get back home (three long plane legs). I hope it's not as tough as the trip out here. Too bad toddlers can't be given tranquilizers for travel the way they do with pets! Come to think of it, *I'd* like to be tranquilized for the trip!
[
family
]
2000-11-10
I have the coolest brother in the known universe!
My brother just called me and told me he found the elusive eToys-ad music I had previously written about! I'm so excited!
He found it
here, which also lists music from all sorts of other commercials. Scroll down to eToys to see the one I'm talking about.
It's by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole, a Hawaiian guitar player. What's funny is I actually know who this guy is, and better yet, I'm proud to say, I know how to pronounce his name correctly! I saw him several times on tv when I lived in Hawaii, he's very popular. I should say, *was*, because unfortunately he died a few years ago. He was extremely morbidly obese, and I believe he died from complications from that. Truly tragic, I'm sure that he had much more wonderful music in him that we will never hear. :(
Anyway, the song is "Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World", an amalgamation of the two songs. I absolutely *MUST* have it! I hope I can find it in Montana. Hmm.... I *am* going shopping at lunchtime (have to get Elena a warm coat for the trip, among other things), so I'll see if I can find it at Best Buy or something.
I'm extremely grateful to my Big Brother Bill for finding this for me.
Thank you!
[
family
]
2000-11-02
Spent today at home with Elena:
since she had Mystery Meaningless Diarrhea at school again. It's raining like crazy here today. The creek is running high, but we're not in danger. I moved the dining room table into the computer room, so the former dining room will now hold Elena's toys and stuff. That's pretty much it for today.
[
family
good
humor
]
2000-11-01
Trick or Treat, smell my feet, gimme something good to eat! Well, it was a fun Halloween overall. Elena didn't want to wear her costume at the Halloween fair at her school, and the fair itself was a couple of orders of magnitude more chaotic than I thought it would be.
But she had fun, playing on the big kids playground by herself, and then later running through a tent full of balloons. She was extremely peeved when I grabbed her out of there so we could go home, but she got over it.
We went trick or treating to the neighbors next door, who are extremely nice wonderful people, and they in turn brought over their great-granddaughter. Elena wasn't real thrilled about the whole prospect at first, but once she realized candy was involved, she caught on really quick.
At work, there were quite a few festivities, with lots of people dressing up, many in really creative and excellent costumes. I wish I had one myself - I figure I might as well make one next year, since I can then use it every year if I like it enough. I mean, since I'm not really growing any more, it's worth it to invest the time & energy to make a really good costume. But I am not sure what that costume should be...
The guy next to me at work dressed up as the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons:
Hahaha, just kidding, he looks like Comic Book Guy every day of the year! It's really uncanny, the resemblance. He even has one o those trendy Razor scooters that he brings to work. I predict that the Simpsons writers will soon add one of these to the animated Comic Book Guy.
In my search for this image, I found
(DEAD LINK) many people who have
Comic Book Guy pages, even
a whole category of them. My goodness, that's devotion.
[
family
my site
]
2000-10-25
I've been away a bit:
because Elena's been sick, mostly. I'll be logging more soon, once I get caught up with stuff at work and whatnot.
While I was home with her, I did manage to finish her Halloween costume. She'll be going as a black cat this year. She seems to like her little jumpsuit, and she likes to chew on her tail. However, she hates the little hood that goes with it. That's all right, I won't make her wear it.
I have no idea what I will be for Halloween. I probably won't dress up at all. But I am looking forward to the Halloween fair at Elena's school - I have signed up to do the Ring Toss booth. Sounds like a lot of fun!
[
family
]
2000-10-02
I've been quiet lately:
Since I was home with Elena on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday because she was sick, I haven't been logging much of anything. And of course I'm usually pretty quiet on the weekends anyway. But I should get back in the swing of things soon enough.
Today I had to spend a great deal of time going through my mail file and getting rid of tons and tons of old messages. I went from 2,879 documents to 1,320. It feels good to have a relatively clean mailbox now!
[
family
]
2000-09-27
Tactical vomiting:
Elena threw up in the car, on the way to her school, about 50 yards away. Yikes! So I'm home with her today, poor little sick thing. She threw up again when I dropped Spencer off at work. Poor kid! She's sleeping quietly now, though. I'm glad she threw up before she got to school. This way, her teachers don't have to deal with it, and she can't get anyone else sick. We slept in a bit today, and were running late, so it turned out to be a good thing. If we had been on time, things would have been wayyyyyy more of a hassle (and hazard).
[
family
]
2000-09-21
Sadie is gone.
On Tuesday night, my mother called and told me that Sadie had died. The previous night, she had been up with her at 2am and 5am, because Sadie was having serious trouble breathing. When my mom came home from work, Sadie had thrown up several times and hadn't finished her breakfast.
That was the most crucial sign - my mom always said that she'd know it was time for Sadie to go when she didn't eat anymore. (and oh, how Sadie loved to eat! She was on the tubby side most of her life)
So my mother met my brother and a friend of hers at the vet, and Sadie wiggled her rear with happiness when my brother showed up, she said. My mom held Sadie and said goodbye, and said it was very peaceful.
So now she is not in pain anymore, not suffering, not struggling to breathe, not unsettled and uncomfortable and tired. I am sad, but it still really hasn't hit me yet. I guess because I am so far away. I'm so sad I didn't get to say goodbye to her, but I suppose in a way, I did. I saw her just a little over a month ago, when I was visiting my mom and attending my high school reunion. That was before we knew she had cancer.
So my last memories of Sadie are of her vibrant, enthusiastic self, strong and happy and full of love. And that is how I shall always remember her.
This is the last picture of Sadie I ever took, during that visit. Elena is standing, Autumn is crawling, my brother Bill is riding the mower, and his wife Diane is coming in the door.
I'm going to write a big piece of all my memories about Sadie, and dig up all my pictures of her and scan them.
I'll sure miss her. I'm glad that I spent lots of time petting and scratching her when I last saw her. I hope she knew how much I loved her.
For fun, take a look at
a video clip of Sadie chasing her bumble ball, from back in March of this year.
[
family
]
2000-09-19
Sadie's doing just a wee bit better:
I talked to my mom last night, and Sadie's vet has increased her prescription of Lasix to deal with the fluid caused by her failing heart. Hopefully this will eliminate some if not all of the fluid from her chest. My mom said that Sadie also took to attacking one of her chew man toys while she was preparing Sadie's dinner, a good sign since this is something she hasn't done for several days.
My mom made herself a T-bone steak last night and gave Sadie the T-bone, which she enthusiastically chewed on with great joy.
Still, we all know it will be time for her to go quite soon. I just hope the extra Lasix can give her at least a few more good days. We'll see how it goes.
[
canoe
family
]
2000-09-18
Had a good weekend, almost totally:
I got a bath (yea!), got to go canoeing (and Spencer took more video), got a new TV (27", our old one was 13", and get this, it's so old, it had a
KNOB for turning the channels. You know, click-click-click-click-click), rearranged the living room more pleasingly, made Elena's first box fort with the TV box and watched her enjoy it immensely, took some cute video of Elena and transferred it, cooked and enjoyed some good food (from
raw ingredients, even! I must be finally becoming an adult), and generally relaxed and had a good time.
I also got a lot of reading done. I'm up past the 500-page mark in Cryptonomicon now, and still enjoying it immensely. It's fun to read a book that's so huge that even after 500 pages, you know that you've got some 400 more still left to dig in to. What a lovely feeling!
At one point the weather was sunny and perfect (i.e., not brutally hot as is typical) and we were all outside, Elena playing sweetly, sliding down her litle slide, and Spencer weeding & raking, and me giving Elena rides in her little push-car, having her help me pick up sticks and add them to the Official Stick Pile. It was just a really nice time and I smiled and felt all warm and cuddly inside, and realized that things were Just Right. Truly lovely.
On Sunday night we walked to the video store and got a couple of videos. We watched the first one, Supernova, and it was
awful. Please don't waste your money or your time, unless you like making fun of bad movies. Bad script, bad dialogue, bad acting, bad story, bad pacing, bad lighting, bad bad bad bad bad. My intelligence was insulted about every thirty seconds. It was that bad. Predictable, cliche, doofy, contrived, bah! The only good part was the special effects, which were neat to look at (some of them, anyway). It makes me wonder how a movie this bad gets made. They obviously spent a lot of money on it, but it's one of these STV (straight to video) monsters.
So, talking to my mother yesterday, I learned some very bad news about Sadie. My mom said she's not doing very well at all. She's unable to get comfortable anymore, and it looks like she's retaining fluid and straining to breathe. Today she goes to the vet to get Sadie's stitches out (from the surgery), and they'll assess her then. I have a very ominous feeling - it seems Sadie's quality of life is going right down the tubes. :(
I don't know what to say, just that I'm very sad but more than that I'm just really in denial. It just doesn't seem real at this point. The last time I saw her, a little over a month ago, she seemed healthy and strong and happy and like she was doing just great. And now I know I will probably never see her again. I don't even know if she'll last a week at this rate.
I know my mother will make the best decision she can. I wish I could help her now somehow, this must be so difficult for her. All I know to do is tell her I'm thinking of her, hurting with her, and that I know she's the best mom Sadie could possibly ever have.
Bye bye, Sadie. I love you, little dog. :(
[
family
weblogs
]
2000-09-06
David Chess is back from vacation:
And I'm really glad, because I was missing his weblog. I think I would have to say that it's my favorite, or way up there, at any rate.
In his new material, he linked to
this sheet he wrote, in which he wonders about the idea that childhood is perhaps Really What It's All About:
I'm coming gradually to think, or to feel, that children are basically it. That the important part of what humanity does is what it does, what it is, when it is children. That once you're, say, 16 or 18 years old, you're done with the important part, and now you're just part of the infrastructure, doing law enforcement and writing and technology and health-care and bricklaying and procreation so that the next generation of the important people, the children, will have a good time.
Fascinating concept, maybe he's onto something?
[
family
]
2000-09-01
Happy Sadie Update!
I talked to my mom, and she said that Sadie's surgery went very well and she's recovering nicely. I don't have the words to say how relieved and happy I am that my little four-legged friend is on the mend. So I'll just mention it here, and you can extrapolate, okay?
[
family
]
2000-08-25
Heal, Sadie, Heal:
My mom called me this morning to tell me that Sadie (her/our beloved schnoodle (half schnauzer, half poodle)) is getting sicker - her ongoing ear infection has gotten worse. Also, she has a heart murmur that wasn't there a couple of weeks ago and she seems bloated. :( So she is taking Sadie back to the vet today, where she'll be given anesthesia so they can do X-rays and investigate more closely. I really, really, really hope that she is going to be okay. She's a very sweet, wonderful, irrepressable dog. If you've ever loved a dog you know that no words can even scratch the surface...
Here's a pic of her as a puppy (she's 8 now):
Please get better, my little pal. I promise lots of gaschnarfing when I come visit at Xmas, okay?
I'm really afraid that I'm going to get a call later today from my mother with Bad News. I'm dreading it greatly.
In the meantime, I am sending all the good-health vibes I can muster to a brave little dog a thousand miles away...
[
books
family
random thoughts
]
2000-08-17
The Mismeasure of Man and Woman:
A couple weeks ago or so, Elena was messing with our (fancy, digital) scale and somehow changed the units from pounds to kilograms. Spencer and I were baffled - what the heck does it mean if I'm 82kg? We also couldn't figure out how to change it back, and we couldn't find the instruction booklet.
Spencer messed around with it some more after we had been this way for a week, and after taking out the batteries and poking around, he managed to change the units to stones. Oh, great. Now I'm 13 stones, I'm just as lost as before.
So, several days later, I take a stab at it and by random flailing figure out how to adjust the units (press both buttons, wait until ALL unit symbols flash, then press up arrow to choose the one you want - not exactly obvious), and we're happily back to pounds again. Well, not all that happily, since we've both gained weight since this whole fiasco started.
So we blame Elena for that. Not exactly fair, but what can we do when we don't know how much we weigh?
[
atheism
family
]
2000-08-10
On Spirituality
: A
nifty thread on a Parentsplace web bboard about spirituality, that I really liked. The board is about Atheist Parenting, and I've found some really good stuff there before, as well.
[
beauty
family
good
]
2000-07-21
Sweet moments to remember:
This morning, Elena was sleeping while I was getting ready. She made some noise like she was waking up, so I came in. She wasn't really ready to get up, and I held her a little and she fell asleep across my chest, with her head on my left shoulder. I just layed down and stayed with her, and enjoyed it. I patted her little back, and held her close. I beheld and admired her little moon face, and kissed her. I decided it didn't matter if I got to work later than usual, nothing else mattered but this tender time with her. So we did that for about half an hour. I'm so glad I did that... when I'm an old woman, I'll still be glad. She's growing up so quickly - it seems strange to think of her as a baby anymore, she seems like such a little girl.
