[
mammalog
mental
]
2002-11-15
Yesterday was very, very bad: Some days are like that, and I just try to get through the day as best I can. Ugh. I felt horrible. Essentially I was hit by a huge wave of depression. There was nothing I wanted to do, nothing that made me feel good. Even food didn't taste very good.
I just kind of sat around sobbing and blubbering to myself. I got very upset, about everything that's ever happened to me. I was full of self-pity and loneliness, and it ached like hell just to be alive.
I went to go see a movie to try to feel better. I saw Lilo and Stitch over at the $1.50 movies. It was a cute movie, but rather darker than I had anticipated. It sort of partly cheered me up, I guess. Not much, though. Mostly it just made me miss Hawaii.
I felt better later in the day when it was time to visit Elena. The visit went well except for near the end, when I was sitting on the floor and Elena was grabbing my neck with both hands. It was very annoying so I told her to quit it. She responded by yanking my ponytail, hard, so I snapped at her and raised my voice at her. She stormed off, sobbing. She doesn't really respond well to anything approaching a yell.
So I went and tried to calm her down. I explained to her why I got so upset, and she apologized for what she did. I apologized for yelling at her (well, it was really sub-yell volume, but you get the picture). She was real clingy attached to me as I went to the car. She didn't want to let me go. Poor thing... sometimes she really takes our parting quite hard.
I wrote Spencer a letter yesterday, asking politely for unsupervised and overnight visits again. I asked him to let me know what his objections were, so I could do something about fixing whatever he thought the problem was. We'll see what he says. I'm rather nervous about the response.
I guess I might go for a walk before it's time to go get Richard from work. I feel a little better than yesterday (I increased the dose of my antidepressant, perhaps that's helping already), but I still feel quite listless. I made myself some sausage for breakfast, but didn't eat very much of it. I know that lack of appetite is a bad sign - it usually correlates with a very severe depressive episode for me.
At any rate, I have an appointment with my psych care people next Thursday, so maybe I can get some extra help then if I need it.
Sucks to be me.
