[
mental
random thoughts
]
2002-10-28
Whee, roller coaster: Okay, not whee.. Whoa. Ugh. Up & down, and a whole lotta down lately. It's not too bad, I'm just sorta blue. It's hard to get my butt moving, but I manage at least a little.
Today I'm working on applying for jobs and such, though I am not in the mood to leave the house. Therefore, I'll do stuff in the house. I'm filling out the State of Texas application (again - I lost my old ones. Gah!), and cruising online for job openings, of which there are very, very few. It's really brutal out there, especially in this town.
Somehow, I will survive. Some days are just harder than others, though, and the crushing weight of failure and terror of how on earth am I going to survive another week just weighs me down.
I hate being this poor, this powerless, and relying on the handouts of my friends and relatives. This is no way to live. I'm doing what I can, but job searches are very rough for me, even during the best of times.
At this point, I'll take just about anything - office flunkie work, washing dishes, whatever. When even the fast food places reject you, you start to get sort of desperate. It's not pretty.
I'm doing okay, though. My head is sad but coherent and functioning rather well, considering. I haven't needed to take any pills lately. Thursday I have my appointment with the psychiatrist with the county mental health agency, so that should be good. I hope.
So in dealing with what I euphemistically call my Stuff Problem, I have decided that I need to go through a minimum of four boxes or bins per day. Books will be put on my shelves (and as large a fraction as I can handle without weeping will be put in the "sell" pile), items will be sorted, bins will be labeled with their contents, crap will be thrown away, boxes will be flattened for storage, and so on.
Someday, I will get down the bare bones of the stuff I really need or which is really useful and would be a shame to throw away. And it will be in labeled, cataloged bins, and I'll know where every darn thing is. Hopefully, this day will occur a significant length of time before I die.
Oh. I got a cell phone. My wonderful mom sent it to me (thanks, Mom!), and I activated it, and lo, behold, for I am one of the Connected again. Now if my car breaks down, I can at least call someone and start crying because I can't afford to get it towed much less fixed. Without the phone, I'd just have to cry to myself, you see.
I had good dreams last night and this morning. It was one of those fitful sleeps where you keep waking up, but you don't mind because every time you do you remember a good dream. And after I woke up I thought a lot about my big Dream, the kind of dream that a person longs to make real. And it felt possible. Not just possible, but inevitable. Someday I'll write about it, and snarky people can ridicule it, and I can fantasize about kicking them in the shins.
But for now, I gotta look for a job. Sigh.
