[
good
mental
]
2002-10-20
The morning twilight greets me: and I rejoice that I have made it through the night.
It's darn early - 7:18am, and I still have 42 minutes until it's time to leave for Mass.
Last night, I slept from 1:something am til 3:something am. And I considered it a victory. :)
It's a strange, sad thing when the respite of sleep becomes something to be terrified of. Really, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's highly unpleasant, to say the least.
I managed to doze off, finally, and had some strange but not unpleasant dreams which immediately fled my head when I woke up. I also noticed I drooled rather excessively on my pillow, which is a side effect of my medication, I'm sure. (I've had that side effect with other meds that I've been on).
You know what really helped me last night? I said a rosary before I went to sleep. Go ahead and laugh if you think I'm a dork, but what would that say about the kind of person *you* are?
Anyhow, it helped me feel at peace and not alone. I set my little Virgin Mary rosary card next to my lamp (which stays on all night when I'm alone), and asked her to please watch over me as I slept. And by golly, she sure did. :)
I hope to get more sleep tonight. I think it will take a little while to get used to the medication. I'll be talking with the mental health people when I go in tomorrow, so if I need more fine-tuning, we can get it taken care of then.
I can't describe to you the anticipation with which I await the sunrise. It feels like getting out of prison, when I see the sun come up. I think to myself, "Ahhh, reprieved yet another day. I am so fortunate."
Someday I hope to look back on this time and be able to say that it was the toughest spot. I really hope things get better from here on out. Don't get me wrong - I don't expect a total cure or anything. I'm going to have to work hard at pestering my doctors to take the best care of me possible - it will be a strange dance with the medication, tuning my mind like the massively complex machine it is.
I mean, I know that sometimes a given medication doesn't work forever, and you have to be willing to try new things. I am willing, and I am so incredibly thankful for every day that I can get through without abject terror, or feeling as though I'd rather be dead.
It's a long, hard road, but damn it feels so good to be moving forward along it, know what I mean?
Peace be with you.
