[
mental
rants
]
2002-09-11
Just wanna say thanks: to all the very nice people who have been offering supportive comments to me here and stuff. I just want to say that I hear ya and appreciate it muchly and so forth.
I'm busy in meatspace lately, getting things done since I finally have the impetus to do them. I'll do more netstuff when things settle down a bit. Tomorrow I have a meeting with my lawyer, and the next day I have an appointment with my psych nurse and then I get to see my daughter in the evening.
I need to get a job, and I'm also in the process of figuring out the logistics of getting a dog, to help against the paranoia that still vexes me. It's bad at night when I'm alone and it's dark out - my mind has various irrational fears lurking at the corners and it feels quite unpleasant and makes it very difficult to sleep.
The company of a doggy will be very helpful, I think (and yes, I am aware of the serious and deep commitment this entails, so please don't send me comments warning me that I might fail - I know already and reminding me just makes me feel even more like nobody believes in me, which hurts a lot since it's so difficult for me to believe in myself, especially lately. But dangit I do believe in myself, even if I'm a messed up broken person I still have my dignity and I know I still deserve another chance at happiness, and I will probably keep thinking that until I die (which I hope is a long way off and after a long happy rest-of-my-life)).
So I would like to get a female dog, probably. I might call her Kiva. I'm still mulling over names.
There's a song that I'm writing, that came to me spontaneously as I was driving a few weeks ago, and today I picked out some of the notes of it on my actual keyboard, and this pleased me much since I don't have all that much musical talent to speak of, or at least it hasn't been something I've worked to develop, though I did play the clarinet briefly and the trumpet for awhile in elementary school.
Yes, I'm having fun with the run-on sentence thing. Do it ridiculously muchly enough and it becomes an art form :).
Last night I watched cartoons when I couldn't sleep. Tonight I may do some of the same, and play solitaire on my laptop.
All ye who are not like me, be thankful. For mine is a twisted, difficult path and I would so much want to live like I did as a "normal" person for awhile, working in a job and making enough money to survive on.
Most of the people I know look at me and think that the jobless life must be one big long party or something, or that I'm just shiftless and lazy or something - I don't know what they think, I just know that they think it's my fault.
And no offense, but that's a load of crap. I had a genetic predisposition to mental illness, that was set off by unfortunate events when I was little, exacerbated by high intelligence and extreme innate emotional sensitivity. I have busted my ass to try to make my way in this messed-up world but guess what - I need help, I'm broken, it ain't working.
If I sound defensive, it's because I am. I feel like very few people really get where I'm coming from or can even imagine it, or even bother to try. I feel like maybe a handful of people are on my side, and even at that only partially.
But dammit, I am on my side, and if I get a dog, she will be on my side too. And that counts for a lot more than you might think.
