None of the Above

[ animals my site ] 2002-08-31
The webcam is on for today: Just in case you wanted to take a peek.

I'm hanging out doing my morning reading and transferring some powerpuff girls to tape for a friend of mine, but later I'm going to tidy up the living room and do some filming.

I figure at that point, I'll point the cam at Swiss, the big white dog, who sleeps under my table. Weeha!

Addendum an hour or so later: Just to show that whoever runs this universe has a wicked sense of humor, after I hooked up the webcam and tried to move it around for a better position, I had to unhook the USB cable to untangle it, which meant that it kept uploading copies of the last picture before the unhooking - a big ugly picture of my hairy armpit.

And what's more, the cam wouldn't function again right away after I hooked it up again - oh no! Windows 2k made me reboot my stinking machine! Gah! I thought we were past that kind of idiocy, but NooOOoOoOOooo...

So I rebooted, worried that hundreds if not thousands of people were staring at my ugly hairy armpit and thinking awful things about my character and basic worth as a person.

And after the reboot, Windows just had to do a consistency check on my hard drive, eating up further time until I could fix the darn cam and overwrite the offending pix.

But finally, at last, my mission has been accomplished. Aren't you pleased? :)

[ my site rants ] 2002-08-29
I have no readers: At least that's what I'm forced to conclude lately.

Yes, this is a shameless request for feedback!

Post a comment to this thread or send me something in the box o doom there in the left column.

Please? Just so I know you care?

You can even say something snarky about how you hate the content lately, if you want.

Even better, tell me what you'd like to see here. Otherwise I won't know, see, and then you'll have absolutely no chance of seeing it. (My psychic powers are still pretty weak.)

[ animals random thoughts ] 2002-08-28
Update around the house: Junior (miscreant male black & white kitty) caught a birdie, a female cardinal (either that or a young male who hadn't got all his bright red plumage yet). David put her in an animal crate with food & water. When I got up, I went in the bathroom, and she went crazy trying to escape.

I figured she was agile enough to be let go, and was only hurting herself and wasting energy trying to escape, so I took her outside. Junior of course followed me, but I held him very firmly while I opened the cage. The bird flew out and into a tree (yea, birdie!). I wished her good luck and told her to steer clear of Junior in the future.

Then I took him back inside with me and fed the animals.

When I came upon Apache (momma kitty, recently spayed, has an old gunshot wound in her elbow), she was nursing what looked like all four kittens. These kittens were born on April 23rd, so they're pretty big by now. Rather odd to still be nursing this late, but I think it's pretty cool, personally.

When I fed the kitties, they all went at it avidly except Bobby, who continues to stand next to me, forlornly whining. So every day (and night), I pick him up and set him right in front of the food plate. Poor silly little thing.

The dogs are not hungry this morning. Dunno why.

When I went outside, I noticed it was "only" 95 degrees. Pretty sad when you get to the point where 95 feels "not that hot". I still have to go out today to do errands and have my appointment with my psych nurse, Camille. I'll be taking lots of water, and sweating like a... like a thing that sweats a lot (what's famous for sweating a lot? I dunno). Ah, I know: Albert Brooks in his stint as fill-in anchorman in Broadcast News. I'll be sweating like that.

Apache went out the doggie door as I was heading to the barn to get the dog food, and Precious went out right after her and for some reason starting barking and growling like crazy. So I pointed my finger at her and yelled at her that she was supposed to be NICE to the cats, dammit! She acted all fearful and took off with her tail between her legs. Silly dog.

Yesterday evening I worked on my plans for a combination bed loft / computer desk that I'm going to build in Elena's room. It's coming together nicely, and should give me much more space to work in.

And as a bonus, by moving my computer out of this room, David will also have much more space. Also, we'll both have more privacy for when we're in Deep Concentration Mode. David is working at home now on the weekends and sometimes in the evenings, too (he's a workaholic, what can I say).

David wants to build a big computer rack to hold all the computers in here and the other equipment (TiVo, cable box, cd player, stereo, numerous vcr's, etc), and which will be sealed and have a big fan pulling air through to keep everything efficiently cool. That's the plan, anyway.

So I need to finalize my plans for this weekend, when we'll go to Home Depot and get materials using the big flatbed trailer. Should be fun! I really look forward to a big project. This will be the biggest thing I've ever built, and I'm confident I'll be able to do it right, especially with David's help and know-how (and great tools of course).

The trick will be figuring out how to deal with the heat, and get lots of stuff done in the barn and outdoors when the weather is not so punishing. We'll figure it out somehow.

I gotta hurry up and get out of the house. I stayed in bed too late (yet again). Argh! Oh well.

Later, fans...

[ good my site ] 2002-08-27
Ahh, my minions: My plans for world domination are starting to come together nicely, I am pleased to say. I will unveil some spiffy stuff soon, but don't hold your breath.

At any rate, I feel invigorated and creative, and I hope this feeling will last long enough for me to create some actual content. I believe that you would be pleased. I hope so, anyway.

Time for me to get something to eat, and watch some tv. I'm way behind on my tv-watching lately, I'm afraid.

I was going to go out today, but the punishing heat is even worse than normal, and I didn't get up early enough to escape the worst of it, so I'll put off my errands until tomorrow.

For now, enjoy the last five minutes' worth of webcam pix that were taken before I left my seat at the computer. Perhaps I will one day have webcams throughout the house and you can watch me as I go about my mundane activities. Not yet, alas, though.

[ my site ] 2002-08-26
WEBCAM! Yes, that's right, I'm a cam girl! Well okay, cam lady, thankyouverymuch. I do not have nearly the skank factor required to be a cam girl (thank goodness).

Instead I will offer you, the viewer, the extraordinary glory of viewing me, a mere mortal, at the computer.

I know, you can barely contain your enthusiasm. So we'll see how long this lasts, and if anyone actually cares I may set up an auto-updating window so my throngs of fans can have a little Beth window in the corner of their screen whenever I'm online.

Come to think of it, I should set up a little indicator-thingie to say "the cam is ON / OFF" or something. Let me ask my webmonkey, he'll know the easiest way to do that. That's what I keep him around for.

[ animals ] 2002-08-22
David is uploading barncam pix now: Automagically, that is. Check this page for the latest (sort of). The webcam software (Conquercam) is a bit weird, so don't be surprised if things are a bit off.

That said, you should be able to see tons of cats here and there, and at night we have possums and raccoons visit (sometimes multiple species at once).

The other night, a kitten was batting at a possum's tail. The possum wasn't too thrilled about this.

Hmm, now that I think of it, I should go out and give them fresh water. If you hurry (and it's still working), you might get lucky and see my legs! :)

Oh yeah, there's also the extensive photo album, so if you are game, you can try to find out what a specific animal is named. Most if not all of our regular visitors have names.

[ sick and wrong ] 2002-08-22
A study on internet-savvy students: This is rather interesting... they examined the effects of kids' use of and familiarity with the internet in schools.

I haven't read the whole thing yet, but this bit particularly stood out:

In fact, if you ask these students, as we did, what would happen to them if someone waved a magic wand and took their Internet access away, many would tell you--in all seriousness--that they would just die.

Good lord. This part is followed by a quote from a high school boy who proclaims that he doesn't even read books anymore.

We're getting into some scary territory, folks...

[ random thoughts ] 2002-08-22
What white-collar prison is really like: I thought this piece was quite interesting. I guess it's what a lot of the big CEO cheater-types have to look forward to.

All in all, doesn't sound too bad, actually. Maybe they could add a part to their sentence where they have to read aloud letters from the people whose savings they destroyed for their own gain.

[ movies ] 2002-08-22
We saw Signs the other day: That is, the movie called Signs. I thought it was highly creepy and entertaining, until the end, at which point I felt rather cheated.

The whole thing seemed so cheesy, and I don't mean that in a good way - I mean that it took itself so bloody seriously and it all turned out to be about one little specific point. At least that's how it seemed to me.

The ending wasn't quite as lame as that in Unbreakable, but certainly in the same class. I was left wondering whether the Mel Gibson character was going to go on to be a superhero - Preacherman!

And I couldn't stand the facial expressions on the actress who played the cop - what's with her? She looked like she was always repressing a smile, and her whole face was squinted up strangely. I don't get it - it really just did *not* work at all.

That said, I think Mel and Joaquin Phoenix did an excellent job. Watch that Joaquin - I think he's going to kick ass in coming years, provided he gets some good movies to work on.

[ mental ] 2002-08-22
Feeling better: Just in case any of y'all were worried or something. I'm doing better.

The Bed Vortex is losing some of its power - behold, for I am out of bed by noon today! (And I even finished all of my morning chores, including putting eyedrops in Satin's eyes).

I even managed to get out of the house yesterday. Woo hoo! But hey, progress is slow, so I'm not ready to tackle the big stuff yet. Hopefully I'll get some organizing of stuff done today, but I think I'll keep my plans modest and see what I feel I'm up to.

[ books ] 2002-08-20
Scott McCloud's interesting take on Utopian Entrepreneur: Scott McCloud is a genius in the realm of comics, and he's done an interesting piece about the book Utopian Entrepreneur.

It's a pretty good book, and I happen to have it. I suppose I should read it again.

Anyway, McCloud's bit is pretty good I think, but the last page felt like a lie to me.

[ sick and wrong ] 2002-08-20
IBM cuts bunches o jobs: Over 15,000 of them - it looks ugly. I hope that Spencer doesn't get axed. It's going to be even harder for tech people to find jobs around here than it already is - and it's pretty darn bad already.

[ mental ] 2002-08-19
Blah has turned to blue: Yesterday I was feeling, well, flat. Hard to really get across exactly what this feels like.

I'll try anyway. It feels like total emotional zeroness. You sense things around you that should make you feel something, yet it doesn't. It's similar to something that often happens with depression, but I was feeling it without depression.

Anyway, that's how I felt yesterday, accompanied by an unduly weariness. Moving my arms even a little made me feel weary beyond belief. Something deeper than tiredness - tiredness is in the muscles, but this was... deeper. I'm sorry, I don't know how else to explain it.

Today I feel a bit blue, but not terribly. I've got a lot to do. Guess I better go do it.

Yes I'm okay, nobody panic.

[ good mammalog ] 2002-08-17
I miss my Lena: very much. Very, very much. She's in Montana with her dad and their trip this year is particularly long and I just feel the need to express how much I miss her.

I sent her a package the other day, with a t-shirt, a letter, a Chinese finger prison, and a plastic baby goat (I have the matching mommy goat).

I hope she's doing well. My heart aches. I want to hug her, to hear her voice, to know that she's okay. I want to watch her sleeping, to stare at her little hands, the curve of her lips, and the flicker of her dreams across her eyelids.

And to think, this is only one particle of the ocean of longing that parents must feel who lose their children forever... No, I don't want to think on that too much.

I never thought I could love someone as much as I love her.

She is difficult and willful, complicated and brilliant, strong and sometimes cruel. She is so like me and unlike me at the same time. She surprises me every time I see her.

She has a sweetness and depth of compassion, even at such a tender age. I am remembering a day when I was particularly blue and she was visiting, and I was crying a bit, and she was *so* concerned about me, giving me extra hugs and trying to cheer me up and make sure I was okay.

And this wondrous creature, this thing greater than myself, she came through me - how amazing! What a privilege, even though it hurt so much (and continues to do so).

When she's here, I get stressed out. I worry that I'm not a very good mother. I do what I can, sometimes even my best. I am imperfect - I get tired, I get annoyed, I do not have infinite patience.

But I try... I hope she can forgive me for not being perfect. I hope she always knows how much I love her, how I would do anything to keep her from harm.

And maybe someday when she's older she might be able to understand how sweet and yet painful and twisted our relationship is. How she's only partly mine, and how I feel held hostage, how I continually struggle to be the best mom I can be for her, and how badly I wish everything could have been perfect.

But we work with what we have, and what we have is exquisite, really. She's a delight, and the most beautiful person I have ever known in my whole life, every last millimeter of her.

I love when she clings to me, or reaches out to hold my hand, because I know it will be so soon that she will be all grown up...

I want her to live her dreams. I want her to be strong where I was weak, to be rich where I was poor, to have laughter where I had tears.

The shape her life takes is up to her. It is my job to give her the tools, to teach her how to navigate for herself, and finally, to let go. But I have many years to prepare for that last part - thank goodness.

I miss her hugs and her little sweet kisses, and the way she nestles into my lap, and the way we read books together. I miss her giggle and her little toes.

I'm so lucky to be her mom. I don't take it for granted. Really, I don't.

I love my daughter. I want to make a better world for her. I want to live a long, long time so I can watch her grow and change and blossom. I hope that we will always be friends (and yes, she has the right to be pissed off at me of course).

Even if I had not a penny to my name, I would be rich - because I am Elena's mother.

I miss you, binny nootkin. Have a happy time, and never forget that I am thinking of you and sending love your way, my light.

[ body random thoughts rants ] 2002-08-17
I'm baaaaaaaaaaack! Yes, it was an exciting trip, and I had fun, but...

I'm *exhausted* from all the damn walking. My feet are absolutely fucking furious with me. Really. Had I planned this trip (and I didn't), there would not have been anywhere near so much walking.

I'll do a big trip report later, but as an overview: it was not as wonderful as I had hoped, for various difficult reasons mainly relating to personality clashes, which I managed to navigate somehow.

Still, I got to see some neat stuff. I did a quick unpacking and I seem to have lost one of my cheesy magnets (it's a whole saga that I will relate later), which is a tragedy but perhaps it can be remedied.

My feet hurt. I'm tired. I'm stinky. I got to LAX this morning two and a half hours before my flight left, and it was *barely* enough time. Good God. That's a saga unto itself.

Okay, I'll shut up now. I've got tons of reading to catch up on and stuff. But anyway, the point is, I'm back. Which you already know by now.

Sorry for the incoherence, I'll blame it on exhaustion and on feeling kinda sick (something nasty has taken up residence in my lungs during this trip).

I'll crop & feature several pix from the trip and so on... Okay, shutting up now.

[ random thoughts ] 2002-08-08
Going on a trip tomorrow: I'm heading out to California for a bit over a week. Going to fly into San Francisco, drive down the coast, then fly back from Los Angeles.

Odds are reasonable that I will be able to make at least one weblog entry along the way, but I am not certain.

Anyway, it should be fun! I gotta hurry up and do some laundry and pack. Gah, I always put that off until the last minute...

[ mental random thoughts ] 2002-08-06
Anger is a gift: So sayeth the Rage Against The Machine song, and I agree (up to a point, anyway). The other day, I was feeling angry for the first time in a long time.

It prompted me to write a big rant, which I don't feel like linking to because I'm too tired and lazy to deal with trying to defend myself to anyone who would give me crap about whether I should have written it or put it where I did or said it the way I did or whatever.

I just wanted to express myself. Sometimes that expression is angry, that's all. Look, I'm doing it already - I'm being defensive. Fuck that. Really.

So I get mad sometimes. The world will have to deal with it. I don't throw things (though a couple times in my life I have been so angry that I have), I don't hit people, I just talk or yell or write about what's pissing me off.

I haven't done that enough in my life up until now - I've suppressed that. I'm sick of it. I don't think it's been healthy for me emotionally. I'm allowed to have a facet of myself called Anger.

I'm old enough now that the reasons I used to suppress my anger have mostly faded. What on earth have I been so worried about, anyway? Offending people? I do that anyway...

To be honest, I guess that I've been worried about pissing off my family. I'm the youngest, and I guess people think it's unseemly for the baby of the family to be wielding thunderbolts of fury.

But I guess what it boils down to is that I love them and I know they love me, even if they don't always understand me. I don't think anything will change that.

And perhaps what it comes down to is fear. Fear of being different than what I've gotten used to. Fear of being more outspoken and of the kind of heat that I'll be subject to. Fear that I am really crazy and that it's totally inappropriate and will just make people start plotting to figure out how to put me away.

Yeah, okay, I have a touch of paranoia. I think it's justified, though. Ever been taken to a mental ward against your will? I have. I think a bit of paranoia is justified, since I don't ever want to go back there.

Which reminds me of a topic for a future rant: the way they so blatantly lied when they admitted me to the hospital. I'm speaking about the hospital personnel, who gleefully checked the box for "danger to self or others" when I clearly wasn't - there wasn't a whit of any thought of harming anyone in my mind at the time.

And another rant: the five thousand dollar hospital bill I've been stuck with for the hospital stay. That *really* makes me angry. Fucking HMO. Yes, yes, I know I have to call them and start fighting it soon if there's any hope of having them pay for it like they should. But the whole prospect just wearies me beyond belief, especially since I think it's doomed to failure. Oh well, perhaps I can get in a few jabs at them during the process and it'll help me feel better about being screwed so badly.

And since I'm riffing on this anger theme, you want to know what really pisses me off?

It's actually something I hope to help remedy someday, or at least die trying.

When I was a little kid, I was particularly "sensitive" as they said (*cough* bullshit excuse for not addressing the serious issues causing me massive pain *cough*), and I spent a lot of time crying. To say the least.

And as the persecuted are wont to do, many times I would lament, "it's not fair".

To which I invariably got the reply, "No one ever said life was fair."

GRRRR! Words don't exist to describe how that phrase makes me feel.

Life isn't fair? NO SHIT!

Guess why it isn't fair? Because generation after generation, year after year, day after day, people have been putting up with it being stacked against the little guy, the weak, the ones who can't defend themselves.

And I say FUCK THAT.

And I will not forgive, and I will not forget. Not until this unfairness bullshit is over.

I am so sick and tired of people just rolling over and saying "well, that's the way it's always been, and I got fucked over too, so don't think you're special or deserve anything other than the status quo. And by the way, shut up, your whining is hurting my conscience."

Well, I for one will say: we all deserve better, dammit. We always have. If the average person had the strength and vision to actually *try* to make things better, we might actually get somewhere!

But no, I just kept seeing (and keep seeing) people shrug and give up immediately, without even a fight, muttering "oh well, what can you do".

You wanna see what I can do? I'll show you...

I'll cry bullshit (as I'm doing now), and I won't shut up. That's part one.

I'll come up with ideas for better ways of doing things. That's part two.

I'll do my best to implement them. That's part three.

And part four is the kicker: iterative improvement. Conscious iterative improvement.

You can say we've slowly been getting better and better over the years, which I'll argue is true up to a point. But it's been a blind stumble all the way, and it's been visionaries and dreamers who were told "it can't be done" who have given us the little tiny steps we've had towards any semblance of decency we've got today.

I may not get much of anywhere. I may not ever get beyond step one. But dammit, I will TRY.

And that counts for something.

Because, you see, I am one of the Reprieved.

What I mean by that is that I used to want to die, because this world hurt so much to be in, day after awful day. The words sound so damned ordinary, but trust me, the experience isn't.

Somehow, some way, through the benevolence of unseen forces I do not comprehend, I managed to survive long enough to get to a point where living didn't feel like torture anymore. I was Reprieved.

I was given a gift greater than life itself, I think. I mean, life is cheap - just look around you.

The gift I was given was the worth of my life. The goodness, the value, the sense that it might not all be for nothing.

Let me try to make this more clear... I hung on for years because I lacked the guts to actually try to kill myself. I mean, in some ways I wanted to eventually get to the point where I *would* have the guts to actually do it, because anyone in pain wants to avoid that pain, surely.

But I didn't. I hung on, because I knew that if I died it would hurt my family too much. I could bear my own suffering (I was very good at it, actually - a lifetime of practice will do that for you), but what I could not bear was knowingly bringing catastrophic suffering upon others.

And partly I hung on because of the anger that I held buried, so deep inside me. I didn't want the bastards to win, frankly. I mean, I didn't want defeat of people like me to keep happening, over and over again.

So anyway, I survived. I got better. It's been a bumpy journey, surely. Sometimes of the one-step-forward, .99-steps-back kind.

My heart has gotten broken and shoved through the wringer more times than I can count, but I can still somehow love. That's a triumph I like to hold on to.

And I'm still standing, somehow. I'm wobbly, to be sure, but every day I drag my sorry ass out of bed and manage to do my morning chores, at least. Some days are even a whole lot better than that.

I'm strong enough to fight, so fight I will.

Because they need me - those who are still lost, still struggling, still suffering at the hands of a broken system that doesn't work.

I fight for the lost, the forgotten, the ones tossed by the wayside on the road to success and happiness. I fight for the ones who've been branded as losers in a wicked game that they never had a hope of winning, because the cards have always been stacked against them.

I fight for the ones used and abused by the greedy, the liars, and the cheats. And I fight for the ones that nobody meant to hurt but who got screwed anyway.

I fight for uncommon decency, and the dream of a better way.

Because deep inside me, there is a little girl. She is still banging her head against the floor, screaming, tears pouring out of her eyes. She just wants the pain to stop - anything to just make it fucking STOP.

And with every thud, she realizes that she's so hard-headed that she's shaking the earth itself.

So maybe, just maybe, she can change it into something a little tiny bit better. And then perhaps she can be at peace.

I'll work on some kind of vow, to help focus my mind and my heart and my efforts, but it might end up going something like this:

Because there was no one there for me, I will try to be there for others.

Because those who cared for me were willing but didn't know how to help, I will try to come up with ways for people to help, and educate them about how to use them.

Because I was so lonely, I will try to help people make friends.

Because I am broken, I will try to make others whole.

Because my life was empty, I will try to make others' lives full.

Because I have cried so many tears of pain, I will try to inspire others to cry tears of joy.

Because I have been so lost, I will try to help others find themselves.

Because I have failed so much, I will try to redefine success.

Because my road has been a hard one, I will try to make the way easier for others.

I do all this because dreams never die.

Because beauty hides even in darkness.

Because kindness never disappears.

Because pain should earn something.

I do not know if I will succeed at all, but I will try.

Because I want to die satisfied.

Because even when I had nothing, I had my dignity and my wish for something better.

... I'll continue to think on this, and refine it and so on, but those are my first thoughts.

This whole piece has gone on quite long, and certainly ended up at a place I hadn't quite expected. Sometimes that's how the best things are in life, I've found.

I feel like going and sitting outside for a little while, and listening to the breezes and the insects and the birds.

[ mental ] 2002-08-06
Kind of at a low ebb: Don't anybody panic, especially you, Mom.

I'm okay, just kinda feeling blah and low on energy, and the dreaded Bed Vortex is particularly powerful lately.

In other words, I stay in bed too long, and nap too much.

I'm not depressed, though. Just real reflective. I'm listening to my music more lately, and it's reaching my heart a bit more than it usually does. So that's a good thing. (for those of you who *don't* spend big swaths of your life living in an emotional fog, this may be difficult to comprehend).

Sometimes I really worry whether I'll have the wherewithal to get a job and do it properly or anything. Gah. This line of thinking is bound to make me blue, and I certainly don't need that.

I have lots of projects and stuff to work on, I just never seem to get around to actually doing them. Sometimes procrastination is crippling. It's particularly acute lately.

I know I'll feel better soon. This stuff just goes in cycles. Occasionally they're a little more pronounced than usual. If I were feeling depressed, yes, I would call my psych nurse and get in to see her quickly, but I'm not.

I'm not feeling hopeless, just listless.

[ animals ] 2002-08-05
Someone castrated a mayor in Texas: Well, the mayor in question is a goat. A beer-drinking goat, at that, and the third that has been the mayor in Lajitas, Texas.

This is from the New York Times, and I'm not making it up.

Clay Henry III officially became mayor in 2000, winning an election against a field that included a wooden Indian and a dog named Clyde.

Er, yeah. Sounds like a town after my own heart.

Anyway, the goat's okay, which is good. I have a soft spot for goats. :)

[ random thoughts ] 2002-08-05
Happy birthday to me: I turned thirty the other day. Yea for me! :)

I decided I must be a grown-up now. So watch out, I will probably be a bit more uh, liberal, with the kinds of things I'll say.

Dang, I'm tired. I stayed up late last night cruising the web for info on mythology and stuff. I started out trying to find out what Hephaistos means in Greek. (I got utterly sidetracked about twenty times)

The closest I got was that it means Ptah, the name of an Egyptian god, but that doesn't quite compute. I want to know what it means in Greek, not what other deity corresponds to him.

Whatever. I think I feel a nap coming on. Then it'll be time to go see Elena before she goes on her big trip with her dad up to Montana. They'll be gone for a month, so I want to have a nice little visit with her tonight. I'm sure going to miss her.