[
random thoughts
]
2001-04-30
Today was a Cleaning Day:
and I managed to make some pretty good progress, of a sort. I still have piles and piles of Stuff that needs to be re-sorted in a more finely-grained manner.
Oy, why did I buy all this crap? Oh yeah, because I thought it would come in handy someday. Hmph.
Well, at this point, I'm getting ready to donate a lot of it, sell anything in my "I'm sick of it" pile that is book-like that Half Price Books will deign to buy from me, and throw out a fair amount, too.
I have tons of arts & crafts supplies that I will probably never use, but I will pack them away carefully in case I do use them someday. Who knows, when I'm an old lady, I might start using that stuff. More likely that in the meantime I'll do art projects with Elena or something.
I have many boxes and bins of various sizes to put all my stuff into. My stuff-keeping system has evolved over the years as the amount of stuff has grown. I used to have most things in boxes, but I've discovered that the boxes get all mushy during damp weather, so I'm moving towards big plastic Rubbermaid containers, at least for the more valuable stuff.
I realized today that everything I have is expendable. I viewed it with a level of detachment that I have often strived (striven?) for yet never quite attained. Even the photos I could live without. I mean, I like them, they mean a lot to me, but it would be okay somehow if I lost them. It was refreshing to let this fact sink in.
For some reason, once I got out of the mental ward about a month ago, I bought lots of pencils. Dozens. They're nice, but I probably have a lifetime supply now. What the hell was I thinking? Geez.
I also have so much graph paper that I'm almost certain I will never run out. Of course my favorite type is E-2 paper, otherwise known as Engineer's Graph Paper. It's what I always use when I'm planning any kind of project, really. This reminds me - I have lost my previous sources of non-green E-2 paper, so if any of you out there know where to find some (in orange, buff, or white), please let me know! I would be eternally grateful and maybe even pay you a bounty.
For that matter, I've managed to hoard huge amounts of tape. The big pack I got at Sam's Club has something to do with this, but there are rolls and rolls and rolls in addition to that, plus little double-sided mounting squares, and on and on.
Okay, enough about the stuff already. I'm getting bored even thinking about it. Tomorrow I hope to make another big dent, though.
Time to maybe play with my guitar a little bit, and then crawl into bed for some reading before I conk out...
[
good
humor
]
2001-04-30
I haven't always treated my roommate with the greatest respect...
but then again, this picture was taken nearly ten years ago, and things were... different, then:
Okay, yes, I *am* trying to throw him (well, shove him) out the window in this picture. But as you can see, he's *grinning* and having a good time. And no, the onlookers did not try to stop me.
It was all in good fun of course, and he did not actually fall out the window. Really.
But the point is that right now I appreciate Chris a lot more than I did back then. After all, he's given me a place to live when I needed it, twice now. The first time was four years ago, when I was depressed, had no prospects, and landed in Austin.
And this time... circumstances are much more complicated, that's for sure. And I managed to acquire a hell of a lot of *stuff* in the meantime. But I digress...
The point is, I'm very lucky to have him as a friend. He listens with caring when I whine and moan and cry, and he gives very good hugs. I am not sure what I'd do without him.
I hope someday I can repay the kindness he has shown me. And if he never needs anything from me, then I hope to pass it on down the line...
[
good
]
2001-04-30
Not many events can boast a disclaimer like this...
To wit:
This is, of course, from my Burning Man ticket. You gotta love the direct message there. The message above is written in type as large as that used for "Burning Man 2001" at the top of the ticket, too.
Anyway, I finally received the tickets I bought for Mars and myself - I was starting to worry that they had been lost in the mail.
It's going to be a blast, I'm sure... I've been meaning to attend for several years now, but only this year do I finally have the free time & inclination to go.
I'm not sure what I'll do there, though - I may consider joining a theme camp, or mostly just absorb the experience my first time out. I do know that I want to bring the adult-sized Sit N Spin that I'm planning to build, however... I'm hoping it turns out to be a big hit! :)
[
canoe
mental
]
2001-04-29
I am tired:
and must take a nap very soon. The paddlefest went well, and today I paddled my canoe back to its home (and then walked back to my car, a rather... long yet not unpleasant walk). I went down and took video of the Texas Outrigger Canoe Club people during their practice this morning, and I'll have to edit it together later.
I'm feeling rather exhausted, and increasingly mentally agitated, trying to figure out my life and faced with too much uncertainty from too many different directions (both internal and external).
I think it will help once I finally clean up the house and all my stuff and organize it. This is a big task, and I've set myself a deadline of having it done a week from today (at least the bulk of it, that is).
I never imagined I would be so darn busy after quitting my job. Oy!
Time to go read & doze off - I imagine I'll feel better after I wake up.
[
canoe
]
2001-04-26
My canoe is far from home:
Well okay, a mile or two. I paddled it downstream so it could go have a good time with Mike's canoe, Mike being the only other person in Austin who has an outrigger canoe.
This Saturday is the Austin Paddlefest, and the Texas Outrigger Canoe Club people are coming up for the event. There will be races, and I'll participate in at least one of the races with one of the big (six-person) canoes that they're bringing up. I don't feel quite ready to race in my little OC-1, but I'm happy to let someone else borrow it.
Today was a pretty nice little jaunt, but I find I'm still a little huli-shy. That is, I'm a bit worried about flipping over, so I tend to be a little overcautious. I think to cure this, I'll need to *always* dress to be dumped in the water (this means a swimming top and nylon shorts & undies), so that I don't fear it so much.
Oh, and I finally got some spray silicone for the sleeves into which the iakos (crossbars) and rudder shaft go. This did seem to help, as assembly was easier than usual. Yea, lubricants! Lubricants are good. :)
[
rants
]
2001-04-26
From the Damning With Faint Praise Department:
comes this box o doom entry:
Haven't been here for a while but it sure is refreshing to read optimistic entries instead of the whiny, bitchy entries from before (one of the reasons why I stopped reading, too much of a downer). Sounds like your life is going well and
in the right direction. That's really great! Keep at it!
Okay, my first reaction is to yell at high volume epithets at anyone who has the incredible lack of taste to spew such nonsense into my box o doom. If you're going to be nice to someone, characterizing something they've written as whiny and bitchy is not the way to get your point across.
So what if my reaction to my life was whiny and bitchy? Geez, it's *my fucking life*, thankyouverymuch, and I can write whatever the hell I want to about it. I'm not here to entertain people, I'm here to be myself. I don't care how many people read here, I use this as a mental health exercise, to update my family & friends about what I'm doing, and just as a journal to record what I've done and what I'm feeling/thinking.
Why am I letting this bug me so much? Perhaps because it's such a thinly veiled slam...
Whiny and bitchy, my ass. Trust me, there are depths unplumbed as of yet. I have hardly written of how I feel about my daughter being forcibly removed from my life (except for 6 hours per week of supervised visits). Or the pain of the particular form of weaning we underwent (unnecessary thousand-mile separation, confinement in a mental health unit, restraining order).
Argh! Certain foolish respondents should just wake up and realize that this is my venting board, and any entertainment or enjoyment they may sometimes experience is a fluke.
I guess this touches on an interesting aspect of weblogs: who is it written *for*? It depends on the author... there are those, I am certain, who are acutely aware of and seek to maximize the enjoyment (and size) of their audience. I am not among them. I am one of those who just spews bits into the void for my own benefit, because I happen to feel like writing about a given thing at a given moment - beautiful or disgusting, interesting or banal.
I'm actually *shocked* at the fact that I have any readers at all. I used to joke that I had two readers - "me" and "myself" ("I" of course, being the author). For me, I get a little weirded out thinking about this as a performance piece - I start to seize up and question myself (even more than I usually do (which is a huge amount, eh)) and feel awkward and stuff. I never look at my referrer logs or hit rates or anything for this reason. If I looked, it might start to matter to me, and that would change things in a way that I know I don't want. I choose to remain willingly blind to things that would only distract me.
The whole tone of that note just has this obnoxious head-patting feel to it, that "there's a nice girl, don't show us your *negative* side, now". Yeah, okay, it pisses me off. On the web, everyone gets a stage to perform on. Instead of throwing tomatoes at me, why not go find a different stage? Go find someone who's fluffy and happy all the time, who never shows their displeasure at anything, even when life rains 300-pound cement lemons on their head.
[
good
]
2001-04-26
Fun today:
Went to The Ceramic Mug with Daniel, and we each picked out a piece of pottery and painted it with glaze, because uh... that's what people do there. That's the whole point of going there, in other words. Here we are happily (and very quietly) painting away:
Also, I got to see Elena for a bit, and take
three little movies of her doing her dance thing at Central Market. Oh, and she wanted to play with my digicam in the book store, so she snapped this one of me (in addition to several shots of my knees, which were less interesting):
[
random thoughts
]
2001-04-24
Went hiking today:
at Bull Creek, with Daniel, which was nice. Also played a little vintage Atari, and realized I should probably sell the damn thing. It's kind of flaky, so maybe I should get rid of it. I never play with it, and it's kind of boring. Hmmm. I wonder how much I could get for it on eBay. Probably five bucks or something. :/
I'm busy entertaining Daniel while he's here, so I'm getting no coding done, no organizing done, etc. This is frustrating, but there's not much I can do. Argh! Oh well, at least I got some exercise today.
Now I'm really tired so I'll probably just go read and go to sleep. Exciting, isn't it?
Oh, I finished my jigsaw puzzle today. I'm sure you're enthralled. Now I've got to glue it together and hang it on the wall. I suppose I should take a pic of it and post it. Anyway, I like that particular puzzle quite a bit because I was working on it at the mental health unit before I was released. It just struck me as beautiful. It's got a dandelion and some little violets nestled in a bunch of leaves. Doesn't sound very special, really, but I like it, so I'll plonk it on my wall. One o these days when I get around to it... sigh.
[
beauty
mammalog
]
2001-04-22
Grabbed a frame:
from the video that I'm editing. I just liked this look of Elena, pausing by a pond:
Click the pic for a bigger version.I'm busily editing more video, honing my skills with my tools. This is somewhat of a fun stage, really. And yes, I promise I will *not* make a video using every kind of cheesy effect and transition. Dissolve works just fine for me. I also promise that I won't use bouncing titles. Really.
[
good
]
2001-04-22
Multiwindow surfing is really the only way to go:
for me, anyway. I can't stand being limited to just one window. I get sick, however, of having to right-click and do "open in new window", and then maximize the new window (because it never, ever starts out large enough).
So I was pleased when I was wandering over at
bookmarklets.com and found that they have a
really neat piece about multiwindow surfing.
I hadn't realized that you could just drag links around between windows, and the four-window setup that's suggested looks to be really spiffy. I think I'll start using this, and I predict it will greatly decrease my frustration...
It's alwas delicious to find tidbits of information like this, that shave off a slice of annoyance from your life.
[
beauty
books
]
2001-04-22
This autistic artist has incredible vision:
I happened across this illustration of the work of an autistic artist in the New Yorker:
It just struck me immediately with its beauty, so here I share it with you. The artist's name is Jessy Park, and her mother
has written a book about her, which looks quite intriguing...
[
food
good
]
2001-04-22
I met David Chess & Ian Whalley!
Finally, I shall tell this tale... Last Monday, April 16th, Daniel and I drove up to New York (from New Jersey) to see the esteemed
David Chess and
Ian Whalley for lunch. After getting stuck in traffic and making about a dozen wrong turns, we finally managed to find our way to the building where they work for IBM Research. Then we had the obligatory introductions, and headed out to Khan's Mongolian for some really excellent food.
The way it works at Khan's is that you pick out your raw (or in the case of the meat, frozen) food, put it in your bowl, add some sauce, and hand it through a big slot in a window to the fellow who actually cooks it for you. He spreads it all out on this huge flat piece of iron (I think it's iron), swirling it around and cooking it to perfection. Then he puts it back into a bowl and returns it to you. I thought the whole operation was pretty neat.
The food was wonderful, and the conversation was lively and rapid. It was fun and exquisitely intellectually stimulating to be among several extremely brilliant people at the same time. :) So, here is photographic proof for you (merge these pix together in your mind):
Click on the thumbnails for a larger version.
That's Mr. Whalley on the left, and Mr. Chess on the right. Oh, yeah, and me in the middle! We're standing in front of
the pillar which used to be yellow.
After this, we went inside to use the restrooms, and on our way out, the receptionist lady had a serious problem with the fact that Daniel was wearing a camera around his neck. We weren't sure we would actually make it out of there, but finally she relented, assuming we didn't actually steal any Deep Secrets with the camera... IBM has some pretty strict policies with those things. Sigh.
[
body
mental
random thoughts
]
2001-04-22
I've been busy...
hanging out with Daniel and stuff. Yesterday we archived my files, and wiped and reinstalled my computer, so it's nice and fresh and clean and runs much better than it used to. I'm quite pleased with this! The whole revamp was prompted by the fact that I couldn't get RealMYST to work. All I wanted to do was play for a little while, and the darn thing kept crashing horribly.
Finally I decided that a total revamp was in order, considering that I hadn't exactly kept my system clean for the past year - I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did.
Daniel also taught me how to edit digital video, at least the first steps of it. We'll do more today, I imagine. I took some nice footage over at Elena's birthday party (which was fun yet extremely chaotic), and started editing it into pieces and stuff. Now I'm working on the other two hours' worth of tape that I've taken.
My hope is that I can hire myself out to do baby videos for people, and make at least part of a living this way. We'll see. I'm cautiously optimistic. I figure that there are people who'd like videos of their kids yet who don't have the time and inclination to edit everything themselves. It's one of my irons in the fire, as it were, to start doing this for pay.
One of my other irons is thirdhand, my information storage thingie, which I worked on a bit the other day. I realized to my dismay that my code is tangled and kludgy and I'm going to have to rewrite it all. Since I last wrote any code for it, I realized that certain major parts can be simplified in a big way, so I'll need to incorporate that. I also need to create a section of the page for a headline. I can't believe I didn't think of that before. Serious "duh" territory, here.
At any rate, I aim to have a publicly usable weblog-generating thingie at some point, similar to blogger only cooler :). The ability to hold photos and a zillion other kinds of information in a coherent flexible framework will come later.
For now, I'm working on the spec again with pencil and paper, writing out what tables I need to create and such.
I've been feeling a bit better overall, though I find when I eat a lot of food I tend to get... a little depressive. Just real tired and slow and mentally very scared and uncertain about my future and my ability to make any kind of a living. It's really unpleasant to be in that frame of mind even for a short time, so it looks like I'll have to do a careful balancing act of eating, making sure to not stuff myself too full. If eating sparingly is what it takes to maintain a happy, powerful mindset, then that's just what I'll have to do. To conquer my demons, I have to conquer my appetite. Difficult, to be sure, but certainly not too horrible. As a bonus, I'll get a little skinnier, too. I'll have to readjust whenever I get to a point where I decide I shouldn't lose any more weight, mind you. Never fear - I certainly won't become all anorexic or anything. That's an impossibility with me - I just love food too much!
[
good
mental
]
2001-04-20
Feeling better...
going out and doing laundry with my roommate Chris was good for me. I think I just needed to get out of the house, have a little human contact, and not focus so much on the stew I was in.
I only got the frame of the jigsaw puzzle done, but that's okay. :) Now it's time to go into town and work out before I go pick up Daniel from the airport.
I knew I'd feel better in the morning, too. I've just gotta see if I can make this feeling last all day...
[
books
mental
]
2001-04-19
Swimming holes:
I've heard repeatedly of a book that's supposed to be good, called
Splash Across Texas! The Definitive Guide to Swimming in Central Texas, which I might get. I like the idea of being able to go to a swimming hole.
I thought of this recently when I went with Chris to his office last week or so, and in the elevator was this amazing poster depicting some swimming hole around here. It was like a big carved-out limestone cave, with cliffs overhanging and water streaming down. It was gorgeous.
I figure that while I live here, I might as well explore the territory a bit. I don't know what my problem is...
No, that's wrong, I *do* know what my problem is: I tend not to go places by myself. I can be such a total wuss. Well, it's not being a wuss per se, but just not having the gumption to go by myself.
I've been working on this, as part of my self-improvement thing. I did well heading to Houston last weekend by myself. That was adventurous and fun, and I survived.
I'm not sure what I'm afraid of, or what causes my inability to do stuff by myself. Something chemical, I'm sure.
Well, starting tomorrow, my friend Daniel will be here, so I'll have someone to drag along with me to places. It's always more fun to take someone with you.
I've been meaning to go to this place called the Ceramic Mug, where you can paint a ceramic thingie and then have it fired. It'd be weird to go alone to a place like that.
Anyway, I'm just rambling now, in case you hadn't noticed. I'm feeling sort of... empty and low this evening, I'm not sure why. It really is sad sometimes, what viciously chemical creatures our minds are. I'm shy on some neurotransmitter or other, and it causes me to wander around the house feeling blue and not knowing why. :/. I'm doing okay, I just tidied up a bunch, loaded the dishwasher, etc.
I guess it aggravates me more when I'm down, all the crap I have accumulated in my life, and the incredible level of disarray it's in. It's not actually that bad, I just find it hard to make myself deal with it. I've been doing a bit here, a bit there, and working away at it, but I think I won't feel truly free to do more fun creative things until I've put my house in order, so to speak.
It's odd, I started sorting my papers a couple weeks ago, and I was saving all these scraps of paper and things, because I considered them important somehow. Now I look at them and realize that they're just trash, and I feel like the person who wanted to save them wasn't really me.
It's an odd thing, not being yourself. Or rather, being yourself and not being yourself simultaneously. Who are we, anyway? It's a complicated question with bizarre answers. We are who we think we are, that's who. The trouble is that with a rational mind, it's hard to just wish yourself into being who you want to be. That is, unless you have a bit of psychotic delusion... :/.
But this begs the question - what is sanity, anyway? And what is insanity? I'm only considering my previous state as a bit off because I feel differently now, and the state I'm in now feels... more familiar to me. More *me*. I can't help it, I've settled back into the old rut of my selfhood.
I look back at the past month or so and ... I'm just not sure what to make of it. Was it a breath of fresh air, a taste of freedom? Or was it just a flight of fancy, a delusion, actual Psychosis with a capital P? It was wonderful in many ways, but... it wasn't really me. Or was it? This is a question whose answer is yet undecided. Only when I decide what I want the answer to be will I set myself on that path.
I'm getting really complicated here, I know. I just... wish sometimes I could wish myself into feeling better, into being that strong Beth who always knows what she wants and has the confidence that she'll get it. And I wonder if the sense that I have to be who I "really" am instead is just bullshit. This territory is so far from the measurable, it must be mapped by blind wandering and bumping into things, really.
I don't know. All I know is that in my current mindset, everything feels impossible. Anything I want to do feels sort of worthless. I know it's not true, but ... it saps me nonetheless. So I'm trying to distract myself, by writing, by working my feelings out of my head and into the electronic void. Maybe I'm just wishing I could leave my troubles in the bit bucket.
When it comes down to it, I'm rather scared. Scared of failure, for sure, but scared of being too terrified to try. How's that for a tangled little loop of emotion?
I think too much. I've always thought too much. It's been my greatest weapon against all the painful, awful, and difficult things that life has thrown my way. And now I realize that this weapon has become dust in my hands...
Okay, maybe that's overboard, but certainly I wasn't bright enough to figure out just how far beyond sanity I had gone. And here's a dirty little secret: when you're insane,
no one tells you. They just nod and smile and you are left to assume that they're in on it, that they believe you. It's hard to realize how far you've gone when you get no feedback.
I know, I know - I can't figure out what people should have said to me, I have no idea what would have been the most helpful response. It's even likely that any suppositions I might have about what clues might have helped me, would have actually hurt tremendously and made life more difficult, possibly even causing rifts between me and people who care about me.
But that question is still there - how do you know when you're crazy? And how do you deal with someone you care about who is crazy? I'm sorry, I don't have the answers. I've done the research (one side of it, anyway), but I have no conclusions.
All I know is that I miss my daughter, it's Thursday night and I'm all alone, and I can finally cry again (I couldn't really, for weeks - as soon as I'd start, it would fade, as though blown away by a divine wind). Maybe I need to cry a bit, to just let it out - the frustration, the feeling stupid, the embarrassment, the loss, the confusion.
Because here's another dirty little secret that I think most of us already know: sometimes it's comforting to cry. When I was a little child and felt a sadness so deep that it swallowed me inside, the only thing I could do was cry, and in some strange and twisted way, it comforted me. Somehow, it let me bear it.
Boy, I've really wandered far afield in this one. I just had a lot to get off my chest. I still do, but there's a finite length for a log entry before one chases all of one's readers away. Who am I kidding? It doesn't matter to me how many people read my log. I'm still amazed that anyone does - right now in my current mindset I find it so hard to believe that anyone would be interested in my ramblings (both sane and insane).
Tonight is one of those nights where the world feels huge and complicated and imposing, and I feel so excruciatingly finite in my capacity to deal with it.
I think I'll go do a jigsaw puzzle.
[
body
]
2001-04-19
The box of doom proclaimeth:
It's got to be considerably enjoyable to be more attractive at 28 than you were
at 22. :)
Indeed. I'm not sure whether I'm actually more attractive or not. Objective bystanders would have to be the judge of that. I'm more self-assured, that's for sure, and I've heard that makes a person attractive.
But I won't lie about what childbirth does to one's body - I certainly show the effects, but overall that's not too bad. I mean, look at what you get for such a cheap price - a whole nother human being. Definitely worth the trade-off, I think.
Not sure I'll ever do it again, mind you...
[
random thoughts
]
2001-04-19
Today is a coding day:
in theory, anyway. I haven't actually started coding, but I'm all ready to. I've gotten a lot of stuff done already - unloading my car (my bike and three cases of beverages from Sam's club), getting three packages ready to send, and scrubbing the mud off of my sandals. The sandals have been caked in mud for a month, ever since... uh, the strangest day of my life. I had stepped into a little creek in them, and then left them languishing in the corner. At any rate... I think I'll work on my new weblog today, implement some features and a spiffy new design.
For now, enjoy this pic of me from almost eight years and many pounds ago (that is, pounds on and pounds off - I now weigh a little less than in this picture):
I'm standing next to a huge honkin' chunk of marble at the Yule quarry (well, actually on a slope below it that they dump big rocks down) in Marble, Colorado. I'm quite fond of marble, in case you hadn't realized already. I suppose I should write about my fondness for metamorphosed limestone at some point, but not today... today, the code beckons me. I'll see what I can accomplish. Updates later.
[
good
]
2001-04-19
I've got a passport!
This may not seem like a big deal to some people, but it's important to me... I've never had one before, but I've wanted to get one for years. See, I knew I'd never make any plans to travel to interesting places until I got a passport.
Several weeks ago, I finally broke down and just decided to get the pictures taken (at Walgreen's) and fill out the forms and *do* it already.
It arrived today, in all its fresh-new-official glory. The holograms across the first page are quite intricate - they're getting better at making them difficult to copy. Of course, passports that have a design from nearly ten years ago are still valid - I imagine that counterfeiters have an easier time emulating those.
The holograms are done in such a way that different ones are visible at different angles. I've never seen a document that used this technology. And of course my photo is digitized and printed on there, not the actual photograph.
So, now comes the question: where will I go first? Hmmmm.... I don't know! The point is that I *can* go now. I'm so excited. :)
[
body
canoe
]
2001-04-19
I went canoeing today:
and I managed to huli for the first time. No, huli is not a type of hula dance. It is, in fact, the act of flipping over in an outrigger canoe.
There I was, merrily paddling away into a vastly powerful headwind, working on my form, deciding to make a slight course correction to the left (into the wind (bad idea))... the next moment, I was in the water, wondering what the hell had happened.
It was a combination of several destabilizing forces, combined with inattentiveness, that did me in: paddling on the right (non-ama) side meant I was leaning slightly that way, turning the left added centrifugal (okay, centripedal for the anal) forces pushing me to the outside of the turn, and then there was a large amount of wind that essentially grabbed the ama and lifted it upwards.
It was so sudden, I didn't realize what happened until it was all over. There I was, over my head in the river. I flailed for a moment or two, getting my head above water as I dealt with the corporeal shock of being suddenly immersed in cold water. Then I thought: grab the paddle. Once I had it in my grasp, my next task was: flip the canoe back over. I did so, relatively easily, then realized I was on the wrong side of it.
So I ducked under the canoe a bit, emerging on the ama side (otherwise known as the stable side). Then I just grabbed and held the ama and collected my thoughts, which were still reeling, not quite believing that this had actually happened. I couldn't immediately see how to get back into the canoe. I knew I would need both hands, though, so I hooked the t-handle of the paddle into my little bag that I lash on behind the seat, so it wouldn't float off.
Then I put both feet on the ama to help get myself up into the canoe. I had to extend my legs all the way out, but it worked. I leaned hard on the ama, sinking it into the water at least a foot, as I grabbed the rear iako (crossbar) with my left hand and the seat with my right. I plonked my behind into the seat, readjusted, grabbed the paddle, and went merrily on my way.
Well, I say merrily, but really I was still in shock, feeling stupid for not avoiding the huli. I was *quite* wary for the rest of the journey, especially when the wind came up.
At least, I thought, I managed to flip over on a day when I was dressed for it. I haven't always been when I've gone out. It was also a good thing that I was using the canoe seat that attaches to the boat with velcro - it would have been a hairy task to have to chase down the seat pad as well (though it can be more comfortable to use my loose one).
The weather was nice and sunny, so I dried off rather quickly. Bailing the water out of the footwells was easily accomplished with just my hands (except for that impossible last tablespoonful).
All in all, it was a nice workout, and a good huli practice. I'll definitely be more cautious in the future! I got soaked, but not harmed, and I was actually pretty proud of myself for doing such a good job of keeping my wits about me and getting the situation under control quickly. It wasn't so bad - it was just very, very shocking to suddenly find myself in the water that way.
I did get a sunburn while I was out there, which I hope doesn't end up being too bad.
I hope to canoe more often than I have been these days. It'll be fun to paddle with the Texas Outrigger Canoe Club people when they come up here for the Austin Paddlefest on the 28th of April. Not too far away...
[
good
]
2001-04-17
Back from my trip:
which was... good & bad. Somewhat disappointing that I did not in fact get to see neato pictures of my brain (from an MRI machine), but very good getting to have lunch with David Chess & Ian Whalley. Ahh well, I guess one can't have it all, can one?
At any rate, I'll write more about it tomorrow. I also figured out what I'm going to call this log when I move it on over to my own domain. It's about time I hosted the dang thing myself. I'm pondering an eventual stylistic redesign... for now, I like the little stone sun I carved, and the scanned background. It looks sort of like parchment or something. I still have the stone, and it's sitting on top of my computer right now, with a little plastic goat perched in the center of the sun.
I feel a lot more... grounded today. I guess it just took me awhile to fully snap out of things. This is a good thing, mostly. I'm acutely embarrassed for many of the things I've said recently, realizing now that my brain's closure function was spiraling wildly out of control. I'm grateful for the insights I've gained, and horrifically ashamed at how I must have appeared to my friends. :/ I guess I'll get over it somehow.
When I got home, I took a niiiice looooong bath, and got all clean & fresh & shaved, then tidied up my room and unpacked. I've still got a lot of the tidiness factor I've been exhibiting lately, which is a very good thing.
Tomorrow, if I'm *really* organized, I may actually make it to Goodwill with a box full of stuff I no longer need/use/want. Plus I have packages to send, people to call, etc. All the usual accrual of to-dos that one must deal with when returning from out of town...
For now, I will go to bed early, because my eyes are so tired they sting. Tomorrow, I think I'll feel better.
[
beauty
]
2001-04-13
Saw some pretty wildflowers today:
when Spencer and I drove down to the wildflower center to try to get Elena to sleep.
Enjoy!
[
random thoughts
]
2001-04-13
I'm feeling better:
this evening... some thoughts that were... bugging me have now subsided. Nothing bad, just annoyances, too much pattern, really.
The fact that the curvature of the earth is overwhelmed by local noise is a blessing sometimes.
It helps, sometimes, to keep in mind that perfect sphere, though. The idea of it, for it is beautiful...
[
random thoughts
]
2001-04-12
Not many updates lately, sorry.
I've just been really busy. Um. I can't think of what else to write about. I'm just... tired or something. Tired of being sort of misunderstood lately. Everyone's so worried about me, but here I am all alone. It just doesn't seem... I don't know.
I guess I'll watch some tv and rip some cd's and focus on doing my work, which for now is to organize my personal belongings and get all packed for my trip to New Jersey on Saturday.
I'm getting way too philosophical lately, but it's not the kind of thing I can write much about, for fear of being considered crazy. At least, I can't write much about it now.
I feel sort of like an idiot, like I must have made some kind of mistake. I know, however, that this is just how things happen, that's all.
I don't think I was ever cut out to live totally on my own, without even a dog or cat or something. It's too darn lonely. I guess some people have that kind of temperament, but I don't.
I'll make it through, though. This is nothing compared to the hardships some people have to endure. So, chin up, I try to keep on keeping on. It's not really that hard, it just requires focus and balance. I'll be fine.
Time to go get some work done. If I play my cards right, I'll be able to spend a lot more time working on this here weblog, as well as assorted other content I want to add.
Who'd have thunk it, that after quitting my job I end up busier than I was before?
[
beauty
]
2001-04-09
I built a sand pendulum:
and it's
pretty spiffy. It's difficult to see the pattern in the sand, though, unless the light is relatively low, but that's okay. I like it a lot. It's sort of meditative to watch the thing.
Yes, that's a frisbee that the sand is in.
I'll write more about it later - right now I'm exhausted, I'm going to watch some tv and then go to bed early, I think.
[
random thoughts
]
2001-04-09
I still don't understand:
why I'm getting more cruel input in the box o doom. :( I forgive them, for they know not what they do.
I'll leave it open, though - sometimes people write me nice things, or interesting things. Like these supportive responses from when I echoed the first really mean thing from the Anonymous Judger:
- I love you Beth! Don't let the nasties get you down. That's one of the sad things about the 'net: people forget that the wo/man on the other end has emotions too. D'oh!
- To the anonymous judge: Go stick your head in a pig. Thank you.
- People are indeed idiots, but they're the best we've got. Enjoy your daughter, and your mental states, and even your pain, and remember we're all deities in funny masks...
- Wow, the whole thing was a major screw-up, but I'm glad to hear you are doing well now. And I hope the custody thing works out to your liking.
Thanks to everyone who dropped me a kind line - it does help. I particularly like the bit about how we're all deities in funny masks - how utterly true that is. I see it, now.
Maybe it's karma or whatever, I can deal. I should lead a more circumspect life, something I'm trying to do, to be worthy of all the gifts that I'm continually given. By which I mean every second that I live, time after time.
I need to tidy my room, organize my stuff, write more thank you notes, and keep everything in balance. It's not easy, but I think I can do it. The trick is to remember all the lessons all at once, keep good habits, keep my agreements, be wise enough yet open enough to keep learning, to notice and correct when I make a mistake (and not get too lost in it, just make my apologies & reparations and move on), not sweat it too hard when others make mistakes, keep the rhythm of the dance, be willing to learn new steps, smile, relax, and enjoy myself. Because, as Saint Hicks said, it's just a ride, y'know?
So, let's all just chill and be excellent to each other, eh.
[
canoe
]
2001-04-08
I haven't had many pix here lately:
So
here's one of me in the canoe. I'm sitting in seat three, and that's Cheryl steering (in seat six) and Tom in seat four behind me. Carleton took the picture, he was in seat two.
I did a lot of work on my form today, and also tried out one of their paddles that suits me much better than my own. I think I need a paddle that is two inches shorter than my own and a blade that's an inch narrower. The difference was amazing - it was really comfortable. Then at the end, when I tried out my own paddle again, it felt like a huge clunky thing.
It was so nice to get to paddle with other people again. They are such incredibly kind and cool people, too. I really look forward to seeing them again later this month, when they come up here for the Austin Paddlefest on the 28th.
I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow - my back was already aching in the car on the (long) drive back. It's not too bad though - it's a good ache, one that tells me that the muscles are going to grow and get much stronger. I remember the feeling of having a strong back from when I paddled in Hawaii seven years ago. (That long already? Ohmygoodness, the years they do pass more quickly...)
Time to drink a little more water and try to overcome any lingering dehydration, then off to bed.
[
body
canoe
consume
good
]
2001-04-08
I went to Houston today:
or rather, yesterday, since it's now 1:40am. It was a loooong day, but a good one. I left just before 7, and got back a bit before seven. In between were 5-6 hours of driving, an hour and a half or so of good hard paddling with some new friends (but not too hard), shopping for a plumeria tree (got a nice one), and braving the crowds at Ikea to secure some bookshelves for myself. I made it back, safe and sound and tired, and took a nap.
I had many adventures, and if I tell them all this weblog will turn into more of a diary thing than a weblog thing, which I guess it is anyway since I don't really surf the net these days. I don't even read my favorite weblogs - I've just got too much going on. I'm sure I'll get back into the groove again later, but for now I'm trying to whip this old body into shape, and spend my computer time working on thirdhand. Not to mention that I've got my life to organize, and I've gotta get going with some kind of income here before I blast through *all* of my savings. Hmm, I give myself until I get back from Seattle at the end of May, then I've gotta get the $$ coming in. Until then I get to play and get in shape and organize and code code code. I haven't been doing much if any coding lately, but it's funny because while I've been doing other things, I have thought about the project and realized that certain things are much simpler than I had previously imagined.
I'm also making tons of progress on this figuring-out-the-universe lifelong thing that I've been working on, oh, since I was born, in one form or another. I'm starting to understand that all is number, and the nature of the void that began everything. The world I live in now is a beautiful and magical one. I relish the thought of being able to watch it unfold all the days of my life, with my new perspective. I still have so much to learn, but now I also have something to teach, so I will definitely be doing lots of writing on the topic, and probably self-publishing a book at some point. Or maybe I'll publish it commercially and get all rich & famous and stuff. :) I don't have to decide right now.
I put together my bookshelves tonight, and now I've got 33 inches times fifteen shelves equals 495 inches worth of shelf space. Woo hoo! Tomorrow I'll do lots of organizing, and probably some coding too. I've gone too long without making a serious dent in the stuff I want to get implemented. I've got to make sure that I really stick to it, because this project is important to me, if only for the fact that I want a place to store all my info where it won't get bemangled.
I've got two new cd's that I really love, one is Bob Schneider's Lonelyland, and the other is Eliza Gilkyson's Hard Times In Babylon. I listened to both of them twice today. It will be nice listening more and learning all the words and letting it sink in more.
Dang, I'm tired. I suppose I should head back to bed.
Oh, that annoying obnoxious Anonymous Judger person wrote back, with typical ... obnoxiousness. I decided I want them to go away, so I'm not going to reward their snottiness by publishing it or reacting to it directly. So, doofus, take the freakin' hint already, okay? Go bug somebody else, or go figure out why you're giving me such a hard time. I'm moving on with my life in a good happy positive direction - why are you trying to drag me down? Yeesh. Go do something productive like pick at your toenails or something. Please. Me, I've got a bazillion fun things to do, I think I'll let worrying about you drop right the hell off my list.
Okay, it's definitely time to head back to sleep - it's hard to keep my eyes open now. I will just state for the record that I understand the story The Dot And The Line now, and I see it played out everywhere. One of my many jobs is to help people see it. Trust me, it's... exquisite. I see the pattern in the chaos now. It's a loose, fun, dancy pattern, but if you look right, you can see it whenever you want to. Actually... whenever you believe. It's magic like that. Really. :)
[
body
]
2001-04-07
Out & about today:
and having a good time, to boot. I went out hiking at Bull Creek today, having a very spiritual and fun time. It's been a long time since I've gone there - the hike seemed a lot longer than I remember. I filmed some of it, so I'll have to capture some frames to show here. I did really well on the Really Tough Part - I didn't have to stop to catch my breath at all, and I felt really strong going up it.
Afterwards, I went for a swim at the health club, and pushed myself rather hard for about fifteen minutes. Doesn't sound like much, but I'm prodding my heart & lungs to be stronger, as well as my arms (and a little on my legs).
I had a pretty good visit with Elena, and stuffed my car full of stuff. My sewing table had to be yanked into pieces to fit in the car, but that's okay since it needs to be re-glued anyway. I'll have to sand off the old stuff and put it back together. No problem - I need to learn woodworking stuff anyway, since I plan to start building bookshelves soon.
I'm going to go to Houston tomorrow morning to go canoeing with the nice folks at the Texas Outrigger Canoe club, so I've got to get up bright & early to head out there in time (it's a 3.5 hour drive). While I'm out there, I'm planning to go to Ikea to get myself some bookshelves. A lot of driving ahead of me, but I think it'll be worth it. It'll be my first big solo roadtrip since I came to Austin four years ago.
I've been busy, not coding much, but I do plan to get back in the groove on Sunday. Then I've got a breastfeeding class Monday thru Wednesday, a dentist appointment, and then I'm heading off to New Jersey for a quick visit up there, so it's going to get Real Real Busy here soon.
[
good
]
2001-04-05
I made a new friend today:
at the Bull Creek park, where I was going to go hiking. He and his three small doggies were crossing the creek, and I helped a couple who were being whisked gently away by the current. Then we sat down and chatted while the dogs dried off. Later we went out for coffee and talked some more.
It's always a good day when you make a new friend. Even if you do make a new enemy the same day (via the box o doom, below).
I also washed my car today. The exterior, anyway. I put on my swimsuit and went out and gave it a good scrubbing, with my hands, as is appropriate to a vehicle that has served as well as my Honda has. I gave it two soapings and a hand-toweling-off at the end. Then I cleaned the interior windshield and front windows. I'll do the vacuuming tomorrow, maybe.
Even though it's old, my car always looks good when it's been washed. I think it's about time to put it out to pasture, though - it's coming on 200,000 miles, and I think it's going to die before too much longer. I'm thinking of buying a vw bus to replace it, and then letting the Honda retire at my mom's house in Colorado, serving for as long as it can as the extra vehicle when friends or relatives visit.
I took my bike in to be serviced today - it's gotten all cruddy living in the garage for a few years. But I'm sure it'll be working as good as new once it gets re-lubed and readjusted. I may go with Chris to the veloway and ride while he rollerblades one o these days (I'm too chicken to rollerblade on anything with even a slight hill).
I got a little sun today, it was nice. It's been so gray here lately. I feel a little lonely right now, but I know I'll feel better later. I need a shower, and maybe a nap, and then I can get up feeling all fresh and do some coding. Or crocheting. Or sewing. Oh yeah, and some eating! I've got ground turkey to use up, plus some other fresh food that I have to make sure not to neglect...
[
mammalog
mental
my site
rants
]
2001-04-05
Really nasty doom-o-gram:
Someone has a bug in their hind end about me, and decided to take it out on me via the box o doom. If this continues, I may discontinue the thing. I mean, how incredibly rude. But whatever, sometimes I'm rude too. Here's what they wrote, with my responses:
Just tuned into your site. At first you really pissed me off. As a North Reading employee I was offended that you would complain about having to work during
our snow storm.Actually, I was complaining about *other people* having to work *on the phones* during the snowstorm. For me, it didn't change much. But it was one of those gripes about what has to happen, not a gripe saying that it shouldn't ever have to happen.Maybe we could go back and count how many days Austin was closed for ice storms the past 10 years and how many times North Reading was closed due to snow.By all means, let us count. The Austin site hasn't been open for 10 years yet, though, I don't think.I think Austin was closed 2-3 times more often.I disagree. Ice storms don't even happen every year in Austin, more like once every several years. Snowstorms tend to happen at least once a year up there. And then you
complain about the number of sick days the company allows - They asked me for my opinion, explicitly, in the work/life survey, and then repeatedly prodded me via email to fill the thing out - they were *begging* for my opinion. I just suggested it would be cool to be able to pool them if both parents work at IBM, even as I recognized that HR rules would probably preclude this. Yeesh. Part of my problem was that it wasn't my fault I had to take so many sick days - Spencer couldn't take many because he was A) unable to drive and B) too stressed and overworked to miss even one day. Only one of those is IBM's fault (and even then, only partially).but weren't YOU the
one taking advantage of the company while you were avoiding your job responsibilities?Yes, I am the most horrible person in the world because I slacked off at work and then decided to leave. Listen, I didn't feel very good about it, but even my guilty feelings couldn't compel me to actually do much work. Call it a personal failing, if you like. At least I finally had the guts to quit when I felt I couldn't honestly work anymore. It would have been easy to do the bare minimum and keep pulling in big paychecks, trust me. Is it really my fault that it took so long for them to notice that I wasn't doing much? Doesn't an employer have a duty to keep at least cursory track of its employees?Hey, wait a minute... were you in my group? I'm starting to wonder...I guess you don't have to worry about any more boring meetings do you?You're right! I've never felt better. The corporate world just wasn't for me - it was sucking the life out of me. Of course, now I've got different types of challenges, but that's okay too. It's just part of life. I am happy with the trade-off. And I'll still be happy, even if I have to take a job washing dishes for awhile to make ends meet. No big deal - it sure beats the mental slavery of tech support!
Like, I said at first I was pissed. Now I realize you are just a very sick person. You need professional psychiatric help and I suggest you get it - it would
be nice if your little girl had a real mother to take care of her.Oh, my. Oh, dearie, me. Have you been officially appointed by the Powers That Be to rain hellfire down upon me? Anyway, I actually *do* need psychiatric help, but they can't get me an appointment until May 3rd, so go figure. I'm trying to be cooperative, take my medication, and be a patient patient, but there is some worry that my medication might run out before I get seen.And I am a real mother to my daughter, not a card-board cutout. Sometimes the hardest part of mothering is letting go a little bit, when it's necessary. I know my daughter is safe and well cared for, and I see her as much as I can. This is tough for me - I miss her terribly, but I'm coping to the best of my ability right now.Having strangers judge my mothering ability, not to mention mental stability, certainly doesn't make it any easier. I guess you should be proud of yourself - the hurt you intended to cause has hit its mark. Congratulations. Are you happy?And are you going to send me a link to your website so I can judge you the same way you judged me? I doubt it.
They later added this:
My apologies. My last comment really should have been something more like: - it
would be nice if your little girl had you around to take care of her in the future. If you don't get yourself put together this might be a problem.For what it's worth, I *AM* put together. I feel better than I have ever felt in my life - more in control, more whole, more confident, more able to get things done, more empathetic, less afraid, less bogged down in depressive emotions. Why do you feel that you are in any position to judge my mental state? Geez...I guess it's one of those things - spend any time in a mental ward and have the guts to admit it and not be ashamed, and the world thinks you're nutso forever more. I'm not nuts, Mr. Or Ms. Anonymous Judger. I'm saner than I've ever been.
Time will tell if this is typical of what I get in the box o doom. Maybe I will remove it, and require those who wish to insult me to at least go to the trouble of faking a return address.
What's with people these days? Why must they be so unkind? Why must they kick other people when they're down?
You know what? If this person were down, I wouldn't kick 'em the way they kicked me. If they had a mental health "episode" and had to get help, I wouldn't assume that they were always unstable afterwards. I'd have compassion for the difficulty they went through, and I'd do my best to be understanding, or at least non-judging.
If this person lost custody of their child, I wouldn't belittle their parenting ability - I'd feel bad for them and their family having to go through such a difficulty.
There are just some topics that you really, *really* shouldn't attack someone on. It's called "tact".
I used to lack it quite a bit myself, but I'm getting better. I hope the Anonymous Judger eventually gets better too, but first they have to want to...
[
my site
rants
]
2001-04-04
I removed hydrant.jpg:
from
my cow orker humor page, because the guy who took the picture was hassling me. Apparently, he doesn't want to share.
I am amazed that he has so much free time to go around chasing down people who have copied his picture. I mean, really. Is this causing him lost income? No.
Apparently, this picture is so important to the advancement of humanity that it must be protected at all costs. Whatever.
I took it down. I hope he's happy. You'll just have to make a picture in your own mind of a bmw with the windows knocked out and a firehose going through the car, attached to the hydrant that the car is illegally parked in front of. I know, it's causing you great distress, isn't it?
Dang, I'm in a snotty mood. I even responded flammably to an imminent flamefest on a list I'm on. Some *ahem* poorly informed woman claimed that nipple confusion doesn't exist because she hasn't seen it, then disingenuously claimed not to be wanting to start a flame war. Uh huh. So I was moved to post that I didn't believe in Tibet or gall bladder disease either, since I'd never seen them.
Yeah, I changed my list options to "read on the web" so my mailbox won't get flooded.
What's with people? They can be such idiots at times.
Myself included.
[
later
]
2001-04-04
Clues for a small business:
The esteemed Mr. Gunderloy of
larkfarm has referred me to nolo.com, which has a lot of really keen info for people who need to know about the legalities of starting their own business (like me). They have a whole
small business encyclopedia which I will have to peruse later.
[
good
]
2001-04-04
B is for bus:
I think I'll get myself a school bus one o these days and convert it into a motorhome for myself. So here are some links on the topic, which I will read at length later on:
[
body
mammalog
]
2001-04-04
I worked out hard today:
and it felt really good. I gave it my usual 25 minutes on the EFX machine, and pushed particularly hard. I am *so* ready to lose this extra weight.
What's funny is that even my breasts have shrunk. I guess weaning does that to a person, heh. They're even smaller than when I got pregnant, I think. I wonder if they'll keep shrinking, back to what they were before I took birth control pills in 1992. It would be annoying to have to buy new bras. Already the ones I've got are a little big for me. :/
Oh well, it's not so bad. I can wear swimsuits with a mere shelf bra now! Wow, that's a relief. Large breasts can be a real pain to deal with, that's for sure, and having to have massive support at all times is just one aspect of it.
Today I went into the spa/hot tub at the health club after I exercised (& showered). It felt *soooooo* wonderful. I'm going to have to do that every time afterwards, I think. Ahhhhhhh...
[
consume
]
2001-04-04
I got a new guitar case:
for my guitar today, and it *rocks*. It fits perfectly and snugly, and it's much more rigid than the other case I had.
I even transferred the sticker from my old case to the new one. The sticker is a red & white bumper sticker from the Old Town School of Folk Music in Chicago, where my parents both learned to play the guitar.
It was important to me to keep that sticker on there - it reminds me of where the guitar came from, and so on. My dad gave the guitar to me a few years ago, but I haven't played it much. I hope to remedy that soon, starting now, actually.
I played a bit the other night, going over all the chords I (sort of) knew, trying to play a couple of songs from the songbook (also from the Old Town School - my dad gave me a copy of the whole thing, which is very, very cool). I sort of almost kinda did Greensleaves. Not to any degree that I'd perform it in front of another person, mind you. I'm a total beginner at this.
Tonight I played just a little bit when I was transferring it to the new case, and I felt... much more dexterity than I had before, and my fingers already have a bit of callous that made it all easier.
I think as part of my transformation thing, I have more musical ability. What a lovely bonus! I think I may need to get hooked up with some guitar lessons here somewhere... this is Austin, it should be easy to find a place with lessons, or someone to take lessons from. Hmmm...
[
my site
]
2001-04-04
I rolled my own:
weblog software, that is. Over at
birthsupport.com, one o my other sites. It's only rudimentary, of course, and the formatting is all boring and default-ish, so please be gentle. There's barely even any content there.
But, but but but, it marks a milestone for me, and I'm proud of it. I've got several key things implemented:
- three datatypes: article, weblog, and logentry
- three linkage types (actually six, if you consider their reciprocal versions separately): left column (99/1), right column (98/2), bottom section (97/3). And they work!
- ability to edit stuff (only for me, only when I'm logged in)
- permalinks for each separate entity in the database (not shown all the time, depends on conditions)
More coming soon, tomorrow is to be a Coding Day. I'll get up, code & write about what I've done and what I'll do (and probably start a weblog to chart my progress), then when my mind feels mushy I'll go into town, go for a hike, then either swim or take my boat out for a spin, then take care of errands, then spend some time with Elena, then come home, eat something healthy, read, practice my guitar, and go to sleep.
Hmm, there's actually not that much time for coding - I'll have to see how the day goes. Maybe Thursday will be more of a coding day, since I probably won't have to go into town at all.
[
beauty
]
2001-04-04
I'm wearing more jewelry now
and I think it's part of my transformation-thingie that I've got going on now. I like it very much, actually.
I'm wearing two rings, one on each hand (but on different fingers), and two bracelets, and a necklace.
This is so unlike me. Well, unlike the *old* me. Now I'm the *new* me, so it is like me.
[
weblogs
]
2001-04-04
Lo, I have been so neglectful...
But I do have a couple of new weblogs to mention, both by a fellow named Andy Roberts:
[
random thoughts
]
2001-04-01
I'm just busy:
coding and doing other things. Eventually I will be updating my log more. Right now, I've just got to keep my head down and focus, which I'm doing rather well at (at least in some areas...).
I'm not even really surfing the net anymore, and I used to do that for hours a day. One o these days I'll have to catch up on all the lovely logs I've missed reading. In a way, it's nice having the anticipation of all that good, juicy material to go through once I get the chance.
