Scents

Overheard, walking to school today:

MOTHER: cucumber

CHILD: c u c u m b e r

MOTHER: good! ahh, saucer

CHILD: s a u c e r

MOTHER: very good, aah, aah, barbarashop sic, as heard

CHILD: b a r b e r s

MOTHER: no no

CHILD: b e r

MOTHER: no, you were right, b a r

CHILD: b a r b e

MOTHER: it’s like a lady’s name, cause it’s a hair place

CHILD (questioning voice): b a r b a r a s h o p ?

MOTHER: close, it’s b a r b r a s h o p

(written by Sarah:)

I cook. I volunteer to wash the dishes. I am a kind, selfless soul.

Boy, apparently overwhelmed by the magnanimity of my spirit, begins to hand me the dirty plates as I wash.

Mrrrroww?

I take the cup.

Fnerrrflaarrgenschoff?

I take the bowl.

Oxtungcod?

I BURN MY EFFING FINGERPRINTS OFF.

“Owowowowwow, dammit. Double-yoo tee eff, mate?”

“I did warn you.”

“Excuse me?”

“In German. And… well, French…”

“Look, Boy, ‘oxtongue cod’ might be a very nasty foodstuff in some part of the world, but it is not a warning anywhere.”

“No! Not ‘oxtongue cod,’ [axst..k.d]”

“‘Oxtongue cod’?”

“No, no, no. [axst..k.d]”

“‘Oxtongue cod’? Ohhhhhhhhh. ‘Achtung, chaud’?”

“Right!”

“Right.”

“Right.”

“I hate you.”

Best game of 20Q ever:

1. Is it classified as? Animal
2. Does it have claws? Rarely
3. Is it eaten by people? Sometimes
4. Is it a type of fish? No
5. Is it hazardous to your health? Probably
6. Does it have teeth? Yes
7. Does it have a long tail? No
8. Can you hold it? Yes
9. Does it have four legs? No
10. Can it be used more than once? Yes
11. Does it live in groups? Yes
12. Does it lift the spirits? Yes
13. Can you obtain information by using it? Sometimes
14. Can it bind objects? Sometimes
15. Is it a carnivore? Probably
16. Does it provide protection? Usually
17. Would you use it daily? Doubtful
18. Do you clean it regularly? Yes
19. Do you use it at night? Yes
20. I guess that it is a human being? Close
21. Is it commonly used? Doubtful
22. Is it helpful in the learning process? Maybe
23. Is it something you bring along? Maybe
24. Is it smooth? Probably
25. Is it taught in school? Irrelevant
26. Does it need love? Doubtful
27. Can it discharge waste? Yes
28. Is it a crustacean? No
29. I guess that it is a woman? Close
30. I guess that it is a prostitute? Yes